NY Mag Hags

Here's another worthless and detrimental posting on NY Mag's website about Heidi Klum's weight. Please, take a look at this (Click on Alessandra Ambrosio's gaunt-ass face below)In case you are too lazy, this is what "Fashion Blogger" Amy Odell has to say about Heidi's weight:

"Tonight, Heidi Klum will host the Victoria's Secret fashion show in a custom-made latex outfit. "I figure why not? I embrace that I have more curves right now," said Klum, who recently gave birth to her fourth child, which is why she's not walking in the show this year. And yet she adds, "I still have 20 lbs. to go." We see how this works — she'll just "embrace" those curves until they're gone."

First of all, what is wrong with "embracing curves" on your body? Ever seen the film Children of Men? Yeah, well that's what will end up happening if women follow the trend of striving to be grossly underweight for acceptance, continuing to hate their bodies. I'd like to see what this faceless, snide, and opinionated Amy Odell looks like. If she isn't a squat little muffin that has to get her chest waxed, routinely, despite only being twenty-seven, addicted to Starbucks, etc., then she's a squat wannabe with an eating disorder who couldn't make it in the spotlight. Amy- let me see you give birth to a fourth child and have the guts to put on a latex jumpsuit soon after. I hope all of the rubbing elbows with the B-crowd, cocaine, and embossed business cards are worth killing your ovaries. Despite profanity being the last bastion of a desperate writer- Shut the fuck up, Amy.

Fashion Inspired [by transvestite-hookers and bad drugs]

Celebrity fashion, to me, is an oxymoron. The following photos are either major blunders of hack stylists (which, by the way, do you know any stylists that aren't hacks?), or just really bad taste. Either way, it's a real shame. The old adage still holds true... you can buy a publicist, but you can't buy class.

"...I'm actually trying this whole new thing where I avoid cocaine, so I couldn't use the loo. I came out and peed on the deck instead. My dress? It's great, right? I actually bought it on Ebay. Supposedly, Julia Roberts wore it in Pretty Woman but they had to cut all of the really offensive hooker-y scenes out that she wore this in."

"My head piece may seem strange, but once everyone finds out it's a feather from Dante, my phoenix bird boyfriend that fronts the really hot electro band Kunta Kinte, it will legitimize this look. The world will never get tired of me looking bored in expensive clothing. Never."



"Finally. A night alone. Her and her sister, all of their stupid ideas- they try to change me and it's cramping my style... my great style. Just because I'm married and have a kid doesn't mean I'm not still the edgy rocker I was born to be. I mean, who else has the balls to name their infant after a borough in New York after growing up in a suburb of Chicago? Same dude who wears a denim tuxedo on the orange carpet, and shares shoes with Samantha Ronson."


"Ahhh, when I found this in Florida at Cache, I was like, 'Oh my god, it's kind of The Loveboat meets Zena Princess Warrior... but I think I can pull it off.' I think the draping pleats really flatter."

Anne Frank: The Redux, Disney Style!

Have you been feeling that Anglo-guilt dissipating lately? Or maybe your cousins have been talking about Bar/Bat Mitzvah tills that are coming up 20 K short? Well, all of that could change very soon. You see, the good people at Disney have decided to adapt The Diary of Anne Frank. I am praying like hell that this is a musical and Anne Frank is played by Miley Cyrus who, at one point, will be the highlight of a fireworks parade, shining in a spotlight as she waves from the tower of Cinderella's castle. David Mamet has signed on to re-work this story, and while most of you are thinking CAREER DEATH WISH, one should note that Mamet has maintained stature and has evolved during his career- this is evidenced of course by Glengarry Glen Ross (1992), to his current development of Joan of Bark: The dog that saved France. I have a question that I know no other dares to ask: Does the ol' Anne Frank bit still hold water? For all we know, she could have just been a spoiled JAP-py Rapunzel. It's all subject to speculation, much like the the tale of the 9/11... but that should not stop anyone from dramatizing and capitalizing upon such stories. I was thinking that since we were in an economic crisis, movies that make people feel guilty wouldn't go over so well. It's one thing to watch a movie where a young person is oppressed by followers of a radical new leader and forced to eat oatmeal and cabbage, and it's another thing to watch said film when this is actually not a far cry from a common, contemporary American reality.

This all was brought to my attention by Mike Rees' blog on True Slant, and if you don't know who he is by now, I don't really want to know you. Okay, I don't really mean that. I guess I'm just tired of not being able to make reference to his work and have people identify with me at parties where I feel nervous and get snarky as a result. I am re-posting the pages below that Rees alleges are leaked pages from Mamet's new adaptation. This made my week, and I will probably sleep with these five pages under my pillow at night.

Fang Bangers

Well, looks like there is a growing Vampire epidemic... again.

I really don't know where to begin with this. I mean, beside the novelty of visiting Bran's Castle in Romania and (re)watching Interview with a Vampire just to see Kirsten Dunst's pantomime of a psychotic, blood-sucking version of JonBenet Ramsey, a la Anne Rice, I don't really see how much more this horror-franchise could possibly tow. Apparently, at least $383,489,834 (gross) on a steaming pile most know by the handle Twilight. Now, the aisles of Ross Dress for Less are sprinkled with mothers shopping for 38 DD bras as their slightly overweight and acne-riddled daughters tag behind them as if they were shackled, wearing black screen printed t-shirts with a photo of Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson in a melodramatic embrace. The obvious draw: "Vampires are outcasts just like me, and have been forced to live in shame and fear because of their appetite for plasma which is much different than my appetite for cheese fries in my cafeteria that make my body odor and acne almost unbearable." True Blood surfaced on HBO, thus proving that not only lazy, milk-toast suburban teens from Burbank to the Jersey shore can be sold, but an older, and supposedly more intelligent premium-cable audience. I guess out of all of the horror folklore characters (sasquatch, Frankenstein, Rachel Zoe, the Loch Ness Monster, Kate Holmes, and werewolves) vampires are the only monsters that can be sexy in a human-ish way, hence their marketability. But wait- there's more. The CW, apparently a little too high on Gossip Girl success, has decided to push through the wee hours and hoover up another line in the form of The Vampire Diaries. Wait, wait- don't tell me. An average looking actress is stuck in a sticky situation where a douchey young actor, who is supposed to be a vampire, is trying like hell to eat her neck flesh. Rumour has it the only real competition that the televised glampire revolution faces is The Discovery Channel's new series The Anatomy of a Fart, and Spike TV's A Don Simpson Christmas.

I am truly baffled by this Vamp-Empire, and similarly perplexed by the strange trend of what can only be summed up as Goth. But the sales at Hot Topic are ever-booming, Evanescence has a massive following, and Tim Burton and his films are the godhead to a growing faction of supposedly lachrymose, pubescent brats in suburbia... with that said, they are not sad enough to refrain from littering the malls with their presence. I think I just found the connection between the growing population of over-indulged offspring that assume morbidity as an identity and the newest craze in entertainment.

While cruising around on YouTube for vampire vids, I came across a clip from Tyra's show. I almost mistook this for a SNL skit when I started watching it. My favorite highlight is Tyra, in her predictable fashion, bringing up racial sterotypes, her weight insecurities, and her own lack of fruit knowledge in her interview with a local vampire.

(Click on the man with the funny teeth to view)

Look at This Fucking Hipster

I really like this blog. It strikes a profound chord in me when I see photos of Manhattan hipsters, a.k.a., NYU Students, Conde Nast Interns, and the regular assorted variety of prodigal offspring celebrating their "individuality" and "spirit". This photo, and it's caption, really stole my heart...“It’s actually really hard to be a pimp when all your bitches have trust funds.”

Check them out at
Look at this Fucking Hipster

SHIPASHEEPTURD.COM: Cottage Industries blossom in tough economy

Dear Facebook,

Thanks for making it possible for me to stay informed, in a timely manner, in the ways of my friends. I don't know how I lived for so long without knowing about everything that everyone is doing during the day- I mean, what if my best friend broke up, went to the Glendale Galleria, ate at Panda Express and got diarrhea... but when I didn't Facebook, sometimes I wouldn't get wind of these stories until hours later, sometimes even a whole day.
As far as I can tell, you're great. There is only one flaw in your beautifully designed information mill: You are spying on me and my interests. Today, I opened up my Facebook page to check and see what my friends were consuming for breakfast and see who had a hangover from last night. In the right margin, I saw this.
How did you know that I have a passion for neatly boxing animal excrement and giving it to people? Maybe you have transcended the servers and wires and become a living, breathing entity that apparently can stalk my nightmares and come to concise conclusions about my personality and consumer habits. That's all fine and good, but you may want to run these ads through a spell check program of some kind. The word "Truds" above, as we all know, is use to describe druid-shaped poop, and is considered to be of an obsolete style. Just saying.
Also, you should really check out the Sheep Turd website. It's kind of a hoax, if you ask me. I really do want to send people poop in the mail- not poop that tastes and smells like candy because it is candy. That ruins everything. ShipaSheepTurd.com is a great concept with a dissappointing PG resolve. I'm just a little jealous that I didn't come up with the idea first.

Gotta go wrap some gifts.

HCP

Culture Corner

Lately, I have resolved to watch what is considered to be the worst programming available on television. Instead of complaining about the lack of good television, namely, fixating on the cancellation of Arrested Development a few years back, I am embracing the lurid nature of a few really distasteful shows that scream "Semi-Non-Scripted Reality/Non-WGA Signatory".
If you haven't had the pleasure already, you should really try to catch a couple of episodes of The Bad Girls Club. It is a delight. America's Next Top Model is full of staged catty bitch-out's, but it gets a little boring because there's this whole competition aspect, and the girls are actually expected to do something. That's what is so wonderful about The Bad Girls Club- all they have to do is simply live in a house with each other... no goals or rules! Check this out:

(Click on the pic)

We've gone YouTube.

I don't know if anyone has heard of this great new thing called YouTube, but I feel pretty special having been one of the first people to discover it today. Yeah, I pretty much sailed the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria up along the side of the online broadcasting service, and dropped anchor.
Make sure you subscribe to The High Class Problem's YouTube channel. The HCP YouTube channel with be featuring supplemental hilarity to this old, boring blog sack of crap of a shit blog. Reading is totally overrated, and I understand that my readers' attention spans are dwindling with the passing of every new amazingly choreographed Beyonce video.
In addition to the dedicated YouTube channel for HCP, check out the new series Dear Diary. It's an audio study guide- consider it your lab hours, and make sure you bring your text books.

SpoofCard

Valentine's day is on the approach, and everyone is searching for the perfect gift for his/her special someone. Instead of buying your paramour a box of overpriced Vosges Bacon-Peppercorn-Chili-Lemon flavored chocolate, or some really itchy lingerie- buy yourself a SpoofCard and harass the pants off your lover over the phone! Here's how it works:

You can choose what number you are going to call, then you can choose what you want to show up on their caller ID. You also have the choice of disguising your voice with a built-in vocal transformer. How fun is that? If you're feeling nice around Valentine's day, buy one as a gift and sit with some good wine and prank people for the entirety of the Hallmark Holiday.

Balls to the Walls Mall Dolls, and stuff that's going on.

Good God! Does anyone else think this week has been long? I know it's only Tuesday, but it's seemed like a horribly long haul these last two days. Maybe it's the inauguration, or perhaps it's my apparent inability to refrain from consuming adult beverages. This evening is all about staying inside with a glass of pomegranate juice and playing a rousing round of Mall Madness... but I'll be playing myself, as no one wants to come over.
Some things and other stuff that is happening:




Metronomy is going to be playing in Los Angeles tomorrow (January 21st) and I cannot wait to dance. The dayglo pink facepaint is already laid out on the vanity, and the dancing shoes are being polished. In similar news, Chromeo will also be playing in my fair sub-mediteranian Camelot on Thursday the 22nd- attendance is mandatory.




In Facebook news, Betty Wong owns Samantha Ronson per the popular Facebook application Friends for Sale. "What kind of price might Miss Ronson fetch?" you ask. Try a whopping $325,725,235 on for size and take it for a light jog around the block.




There are a ton of whales, dolphins, and even Harbor Seals roving around the Malibu area right now, and even the Santa Monica bay. Go check them out before the Japanese kill them.




Summer Heights High has ended on HBO, thus rendering life pointless and devoid of any joy... except maybe the joy of an over-exalted new president, inauguration parties with free vodka, and The Bachelor, all of which are nothing in comparison to Ja'Mie King screaming, "I'd rather be a pedophile than a lesbian!"




Gilly Hicks is a new underware line for women which is owned by Abercrombie and Fitch Co. They are a new store, and seemingly trying to liquidate a great deal of stock as they are currently hocking really hot scivvies for $1.90 a pair. There are few greater thrills than getting ten pairs of panties for under twenty bucks.




If you are hungry do this:
Go to the store and buy 2 huge sweet potatoes. Wash them, leave the skins on, and slice them very thin. Mix a half cup of Olive oil with a crushed clove of garlic and a pinch of cinnamon. Pour that over the yummy yams, sprinkle with salt and pepper, and bake for 40 minutes at 425 degrees.





If you had artificially become pregnant with three girl children, it would be totally worth it to name them Freedom, Justice, and Liberty.




Oprah is obsessed with slavery and the civil rights movement.




The next time you find yourself bored, evade haplessness and read this six part series about Scientology that the Los Angeles Times produced. It will blow your mind.




If I could live inside of the store Anthropologie, I would.




The Mall is an excellent place to spend time with your good friends. The shopping center landscape promotes good attitudes and amazing food items.




Be advised: The Beverly-Wilshire hotel charges even their most precious guests (me) $40 for an overnight valet. Where the hell is Richard Gere when you need him?