So, how are things? Me? I'm doing great which I'm sure is implied by the fact that I haven't been blogging (which is actually now referred to as writing for free, my accountant's words, not mine). However, I miss this blog terribly and I miss all of the awesome people that read it (the two enemies) giving me
Anywho, let's get down to brass tacks: It's fucking Summer, and I always give you a pretty good forecast/deposition around this time. Would I want to disappoint anyone? No. Do I disappoint my parents? Probably. Let's jump in.
"That's so arrogant."
Like it or not, this is something that comes up every season- what is your disposition style going to look like this Summer? It's just as important as your wardrobe. Are you going to be a preppy, drugged out asshole and hang out with your college friends? Will you take on that challenging, low-paying summer job/internship/project, denounce all of your friends that are unashamedly sunning themselves while you push papers? Will you (gasp) get a boyfriend/girlfriend situation going even though you just let go of that comfortable smash from Winter/Spring and wished them all the best because you thought you'd roll the sexual-adventure-dice during the fairer of the seasons? Perhaps you will choose to go to a foreign country in lieu of a recent break up
"It's New York City. This isn't Bible Belt tolerance; that's not a New York thing," said Robert Liff, a New York Democratic political operative. "We're a live-and-let-live city."
Awesome comment! I'm fo' sho' running in New York because it is a place that tolerates slutty people, nay, wants to be lead by them and their twisted morality and PAY THEM FOR IT.
Representative Weiner, (hold on I'm trying not to barf while laughing) : So you're cool with this whole thing? Business as ushje? Well, sir, I tip my hat to you. Not because you are a total shitsack of a husband who clearly has a case of the late-bloomer-who-didn't-get-enough-play-whilst-dorky-Jewish-boy-attending-SUNY's (guys, that is an actual disorder) BUT because despite all of the Facebook albums of me hanging upside down at Teddy's with a bottle of Jack Daniels (in my defense, the booze was free and at least I looked attractive) and sleeping in the corner at Beatrice, this all assures that I'll have an opportunity at running for office in the next twenty years. I mean, we all have our improprieties in the ways of boozing, losing, and Social Network Flooz-ing- but seriously, do all of that shit before you get married... wait to do it, and embarrass you, your preg's wife, and worst of all, your unborn child. But, like I said, thanks again for paving that road of a level of depravity that the public will grow to expect so I may skip down it someday.
"To die for VS. This will make me die."
Tanning is a very touchy topic in society. It strikes chords of unhealthy dermatological practices, cancer, egotism, and aging. But obviously, we are all going to get tan this summer. The point here is that tanning will always happen in the Summertime, you just have to be really careful about how you approach it. If you look above, you will see Carmen Kass on the left in the Christian Dior J'Adore fragrance ad
that they have run for, like, 20 years now but is still kick ass and on the right, you will see Snooki. If you are a proper person, you know that you must wear La Roche-Posay Anthelios ALL YEAR LONG, FACE, EARS, DECOLLATE, and this goes for Summer months as well. Why? Oh, maybe because one year of running errands, walking your dog, and lunching on patios WITHOUT SUNSCREEN is the equivalent of going on a two week tropical vacation and baking in the sun without sunscreen. It's like a recipe for being old really fast. So, if you don't want to look like Benjamin Button when he was first born by next year's Memorial Day BBQ, get your shit together. This does not mean you have to look like Powder; you can still get a tan because you still get sun through that SPF that you always just thought was raining on your tan parade in the most complete sense. Also, if you have a bad-ass sunscreen (try to get one with a mineral block and a chemical screen= UVA/UVB protection DUH), pop that hat on, and use a little Maui Babe to get gold. Maui Babe is made with Coffee grounds and has some really nice, nourishing oils in it so your skin gets tanned by both the sun and a little natural espresso pigment. WINK! As for your adorable face, keep that hat on, and use a good bronzer/self tanner for your decollate and face so you don't have the tan of some psycho that went to the beach with a beekeeper's hat on but nothing below.
"WTF is this, and what will it do for my social/sex life?"
Cloud Computing is le rage right now. You probably heard about it and you were like, "Yeah, I know what it means dum-dum. I've totally used my laptop while flying on an airplanes. Through multiple clouds." If you hang out with nerds, a.k.a. people that will actually be making money in the next twenty years, you already are privy to this new type of technology that runs on resources that are not trapped inside of your computer
stupid fucking MacBook Pro that was way over-fucking priced to have three batteries melt on your legs, and three hard drive failures but rather relies on a remote grid of computers and information storage. Also, with cloud computing, shit just moves plain faster. Soon, we'll be able to open up windows in Gmail and have an open forum live chat with other users where said users can upload files (pictures, docs, porn, whatever weirdo) and exchange information and text much faster. How do I know this? Because I am fucking awesome and I have a special invite to the new Gmail platform and got to preview it. Yeah, I spend a lot of time Beta testing boys' mouths and faces, but I also do a good amount of the technological research as well. Not that making out is not totally TRON #NoOffense #LoveYou, but you get what I'm saying...