Friday, June 10, 2011

Summer Especial (Yup, that's Mexican!)

Oh, hi everyone (all two of you that read this blog, and who probably just read it because you hate me):

So, how are things?  Me? I'm doing great which I'm sure is implied by the fact that I haven't been blogging (which is actually now referred to as writing for free, my accountant's words, not mine).  However, I miss this blog terribly and I miss all of the awesome people that read it (the two enemies) giving me feigned compliments re: my writing whilst mid-drink at some bar in Los Angeles where "everyone is". Who is everyone?  The two enemies/frenemies, Thom Yorke, DJ Chris Holmes, and yours truly. 

Anywho, let's get down to brass tacks:  It's fucking Summer, and I always give you a pretty good forecast/deposition around this time.  Would I want to disappoint anyone?  No.  Do I disappoint my parents? Probably.  Let's jump in. 

Attitudes.
"That's so arrogant."

Like it or not, this is something that comes up every season- what is your disposition style going to look like this Summer?  It's just as important as your wardrobe.  Are you going to be a preppy, drugged out asshole and hang out with your college friends?  Will you take on that challenging, low-paying summer job/internship/project, denounce all of your friends that are unashamedly sunning themselves while you push papers?  Will you (gasp) get a boyfriend/girlfriend situation going even though you just let go of that comfortable smash from Winter/Spring and wished them all the best because you thought you'd roll the sexual-adventure-dice during the fairer of the seasons?  Perhaps you will choose to go to a foreign country in lieu of a recent break up need of drug rehab, and some space away from the thirty-seven friends you completely offended somehow and take up in a rural part of that country, get smug about mixing with the locals and learning mere scraps of their language, and post every moment of said activity on Facebook.  There are so, so many choices a person can make.  Whatever it may be, make it valiant, do it with force. 

Scandals.
"It's New York City. This isn't Bible Belt tolerance; that's not a New York thing," said Robert Liff, a New York Democratic political operative. "We're a live-and-let-live city."

Awesome comment! I'm fo' sho' running in New York because it is a place that tolerates slutty people, nay, wants to be lead by them and their twisted morality and PAY THEM FOR IT.
Representative Weiner, (hold on I'm trying not to barf while laughing) : So you're cool with this whole thing? Business as ushje?  Well, sir, I tip my hat to you.  Not because you are a total shitsack of a husband who clearly has a case of the late-bloomer-who-didn't-get-enough-play-whilst-dorky-Jewish-boy-attending-SUNY's (guys, that is an actual disorder) BUT because despite all of the Facebook albums of me hanging upside down at Teddy's with a bottle of Jack Daniels (in my defense, the booze was free and at least I looked attractive) and sleeping in the corner at Beatrice, this all assures that I'll  have an opportunity at running for office in the next twenty years.  I mean, we all have our improprieties in the ways of boozing, losing, and Social Network Flooz-ing- but seriously, do all of that shit before you get married... wait to do it, and embarrass you, your preg's wife, and worst of all, your unborn child.  But, like I said, thanks again for paving that road of a level of depravity that the public will grow to expect so I may skip down it someday.  

Tanning.
"To die for VS. This will make me die."

Tanning is a very touchy topic in society.  It strikes chords of unhealthy dermatological practices, cancer, egotism, and aging.  But obviously, we are all going to get tan this summer.  The point here is that tanning will always happen in the Summertime, you just have to be really careful about how you approach it.  If you look above, you will see Carmen Kass on the left in the Christian Dior J'Adore fragrance ad that they have run for, like, 20 years now but is still kick ass and on the right, you will see Snooki.  If you are a proper person, you know that you must wear La Roche-Posay Anthelios ALL YEAR LONG, FACE, EARS, DECOLLATE, and this goes for Summer months as well.  Why?  Oh, maybe because one year of running errands, walking your dog, and lunching on patios WITHOUT SUNSCREEN is the equivalent of going on a two week tropical vacation and baking in the sun without sunscreen.  It's like a recipe for being old really fast.  So, if you don't want to look like Benjamin Button when he was first born by next year's Memorial Day BBQ, get your shit together.  This does not mean you have to look like Powder; you can still get a tan because you still get sun through that SPF that you always just thought was raining on your tan parade in the most complete sense.  Also, if you have a bad-ass sunscreen (try to get one with a mineral block and a chemical screen= UVA/UVB protection DUH), pop that hat on, and use a little Maui Babe to get gold.  Maui Babe is made with Coffee grounds and has some really nice, nourishing oils in it so your skin gets tanned by both the sun and a little natural espresso pigment. WINK! As for your adorable face, keep that hat on, and use a good bronzer/self tanner for your decollate and face so you don't have the tan of  some psycho that went to the beach with a beekeeper's hat on but nothing below. 

Cloud Computing.  
"WTF is this, and what will it do for my social/sex life?"

Cloud Computing is le rage right now.  You probably heard about it and you were like, "Yeah, I know what it means dum-dum.  I've totally used my laptop while flying on an airplanes.  Through multiple clouds."  If you hang out with nerds, a.k.a. people that will actually be making money in the next twenty years, you already are privy to this new type of technology that runs on resources that are not trapped inside of your computer stupid fucking MacBook Pro that was way over-fucking priced to have three batteries melt on your legs, and three hard drive failures but rather relies on a remote grid of computers and information storage.  Also, with cloud computing, shit just moves plain faster.  Soon, we'll be able to open up windows in Gmail and have an open forum live chat with other users where said users can upload files (pictures, docs, porn, whatever weirdo) and exchange information and text much faster.  How do I know this?  Because I am fucking awesome and I have a special invite to the new Gmail platform and got to preview it.  Yeah, I spend a lot of time Beta testing boys' mouths and faces, but I also do a good amount of the technological research as well.  Not that making out is not totally TRON #NoOffense #LoveYou, but you get what I'm saying...

Read.
"Get this fucking book. Bret Easton Ellis.  Discussion over."
 
Last of all, try not to kill all of your braincells.  Just the lame ones that make you sad about breakups or the time you told everyone that they could "kiss your Faberge ass" then pissed through your swimsuit thus through a cheap, white plastic lawn chair while you housed the rest of that Grey Goose bottle at your ex-boyfriend's producer's pool party.  Reading is always a great way to distract yourself from yourself (momentarily), and even better when it's about awesome, morally relaxed characters who have the same (non)values as you. 

I love all of you and wish you a wonderful, sexy summer full of post-group-sex brunches and Xanax hangovers on the fair private beaches of Malibu.



Saturday, October 16, 2010

Hot Chip I FEEL BETTER music video.

I had the pleasure of seeing Sleigh Bells, Hot Chip, and LCD Soundsystem last night at the Hollywood Bowl- which was even better than seeing Billy, Stephen, and Alec Baldwin attempt to milk a cow without fighting.  One of my friend's asked me if I had seen the music video for the Hot Chip song I feel better, and though I hadn't, I lied and said I had because I was afraid that an angry mob of hipsters might start beating my head in with their iPhones and Burberry flasks.  I imagined my mother's horror upon receiving the news that my body was found hanging from a tree on Cahuenga, my neck suspended by several very slender Costume National Homme neckties.  I made it out of there, by the grace of Rang, and made sure to watch the music video promptly when I arrived home.  It was funnier than watching Megan Fox take the SAT's.  Watch.




I feel better was directed by Peter Serafinowicz of Running Wilde (Fox),  and Look Around You (Adult Swim).  Look- Peter is not my bro, he doesn't bring me ginger ale and enemas when I'm feeling under the weather, but he is [technically] a scouser, and makes good style choices... like death rays, boy bands, and Markets of Britain.   

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

This is what Phish sounds like when you don't like Phish.



I've been trying to explain this for years.  This video just said what I've been thinking since high school. 

Monday, October 11, 2010

Ghost Riding the Whip

Dear whites,

I have made several references to ghost riding the whip in the last week, only to receive blank stares.  My question:  Where have you been for the past two years?  Answer: NOT in the East Bay.

Like many timeless traditions at their point of inception (jazz music, dancing, talking on one's cell phone on speaker really, REALLY loud) the young trend of ghost riding the whip has sent a jolt up the the spine of many American communities of white people. Ghost riding the whip, or "Simply Ghosting", can be described as the driver (of what is usually a late 1980's Buick) jumping out of the still moving car and dancing on and around the vehicle while cranking 2 $hort, F.A.B. or E-40.  In other words FUCK YOU, SCOTTY AND STILES.  CHECK THIS SHIT OUT.  I feel bad for anyone who understands that reference- may god have mercy on your soul.

Check out this documentary trailer for the new film which focuses on the afore mentioned sub-cultural phenomenon.




Additionally, I found the following local Bay Area news report a substantially more candid glimpse...



Gas, brake, dip, dip.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Macho Taildrop

Since the 1980's, there hasn't been any good films with skateboarding-centric themes.  The trailer for this film, Macho Taildrop, was shown to me the other day, and it looks really interesting. 



Skateboarding has become one of the fastest growing sports in the world, and it seems that it's boom has created somewhat of a crux wherein the creative ideals of the sport's pioneers have been pitted against commercial exploitation.  However, unlike most subcultures, the world of skateboarding seems to be resistant to any sort of pimping.  There has been some massive big-budget action sports film failures in the last ten years, but Macho Taildrop seems (mind you, I haven't actually seen the film) like it could be just the right amount of skateboarding, with a side of Napoleon Dynamite, and a heaping helping of Wes Andersonian style. 

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Faces of the last season of Oprah

I've been known to take snarky shots at Oprah in the past.  But after looking at this site, Faces of the last Season of Oprah, it seems that pretty much everything I've said about Mrs. Harpo pants is overwrought in comparison.  A picture is worth a thousand gut busters.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Lessons.

If you have been reading this blog, you know that I mysteriously fall off the grid during the Summer season. If you haven't been following this website, then I feel bad for you but not malicious enough that I will wish a cleft palate upon your future offspring. Here's the recap...


Los Angeles is still the worst place to live.  Ever.

 

Los Angeles has more flaws then Heidi Montag-Pratt before her ten surgeries.  Not only is the air filthy and disgusting, practically guaranteeing that you will die an early death caused by emphysema, but the people here are absolutely hideous.  Is it possible that a community could be more self-obsessed, while at the same time shamefully ignorant in the arena of pertinent arts and culture?  Aside from the health and social related risks of residing in Los Angeles, there is also a very real threat of physical endangerment.  Did you know that this abominable squat is located on a fault line?  I guess everyone is too busy fighting the aging process and driving their German cars from lunch spot to frozen yogurt joints to notice.
... and the driving.  Oh, the driving.  Most residents spend an average of 13-20 hours per day in their cars.  I guess the best thing to do is to just avoid this hell hole at all costs.  Yes.  Just stay as far away from it as you can- like in New York.  Seasons!

Pricasso.


Remember right before you dropped out of college when your bro, the fine arts major, brought home that terrible excuse for a painting and you took one look at it and said, "I could have painted that with my dick!"  Well, it turns out you should have spent more time barking up that tree instead of devoting your life to building the best art car for next year's Burning Man.









Beer.

It's the most delicious summertime drink.  I Inception-ed that dream from you when you passed out from polishing off a pony keg.



Lip Balm addiction.

During the warmer season, I tend to blow through lip balm faster than Lohan's jail "visits".  I Googled "lip balm addiction" and found Lip Balm Anonymous.  After I got done cleaning the pee off of my pantalones, I realized that I use an olive oil based lip balm from Trader Joe's about every thirty minutes.  However, it should be noted that I receive numerous compliments on the condition of my lips.  To all the dum dums out there incessantly putting Blistex and Carmex on your mouth: you should know that the human body cannot process petroleum or mineral oils.  That stuff is meant for your gas tank.  If you use such products with these ingredients you are most likely putting a dead dinosaur's wiener on your mouth.  AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THAT DINOSAUR HAS BEEN. 



Easy now, Suzy Creamcheese.


The person pictured above is getting a lot of attention and earnings these days.  The only thing standing between you and that kind of fuck-you-money is a heap of thinly sliced meat, a bottle of peroxide and some spare time.  Get inspired.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The Garry Shandling Movie Poster Project, By Tim Heidecker

These days we often forget that Photoshop is not solely used for the purposes of, say, retouching Kim Kardashian's thighs, or making before and after Acai Miracle diet sales ads.  Adobe created Photoshop for the digital artist, and once in a while we are presented with a shining example of new media that renews our faith in pixels, nay, the Royal We

Tim Heidecker posted a series of Garry Shandling movie posters on his blog a couple of months ago, and I think they may incite world peace, or gift certificates from Yogurtland, or just something really good for everyone.  Click on the poster below to view more. 



 

Monday, April 12, 2010

Two professionals at a QuinceaƱera.

Everything was set for my fifteenth birthday party.  I mean SET- Carne Asada, monogrammed pink napkins, an arch of 2,000 yellow balloons, flowers, my hoop skirt, tiara.  After my friends began to leave, my uncle and his pal started to get really wasted.  I mean WASTED.



Horsey Sauce

 This horse is running to Coachella hella fast.