High Class Problem

Summer Especial (Yup, that's Mexican!)

2011-06-10T17:00:00.000-07:00

Oh, hi everyone (all two of you that read this blog, and who probably just read it because you hate me):

So, how are things? Me? I'm doing great which I'm sure is implied by the fact that I haven't been blogging (which is actually now referred to as writing for free, my accountant's words, not mine). However, I miss this blog terribly and I miss all of the awesome people that read it (the two enemies) giving me ~~feigned~~ compliments re: my writing whilst mid-drink at some bar in Los Angeles where "everyone is". Who is everyone? The two enemies/frenemies, Thom Yorke, DJ Chris Holmes, and yours truly.

Anywho, let's get down to brass tacks: It's fucking Summer, and I always give you a pretty good forecast/deposition around this time. Would I want to disappoint anyone? No. Do I disappoint my parents? Probably. Let's jump in.

Attitudes.

"That's so arrogant."

Like it or not, this is something that comes up every season- what is your disposition style going to look like this Summer? It's just as important as your wardrobe. Are you going to be a preppy, drugged out asshole and hang out with your college friends? Will you take on that challenging, low-paying summer job/internship/project, denounce all of your friends that are unashamedly sunning themselves while you push papers? Will you (gasp) get a boyfriend/girlfriend situation going even though you just let go of that comfortable smash from Winter/Spring and wished them all the best because you thought you'd roll the sexual-adventure-dice during the fairer of the seasons? Perhaps you will choose to go to a foreign country in lieu of a recent break up ~~need of drug rehab, and some space away from the thirty-seven friends you completely offended somehow~~ and take up in a rural part of that country, get smug about mixing with the locals and learning mere scraps of their language, and post every moment of said activity on Facebook. There are so, so many choices a person can make. Whatever it may be, make it valiant, do it with force.

Scandals.

"It's New York City. This isn't Bible Belt tolerance; that's not a New York thing," said Robert Liff, a New York Democratic political operative. "We're a live-and-let-live city."

Awesome comment! I'm fo' sho' running in New York because it is a place that tolerates slutty people, nay, wants to be lead by them and their twisted morality and PAY THEM FOR IT.

Representative Weiner, (hold on I'm trying not to barf while laughing) : So you're cool with this whole thing? Business as ushje? Well, sir, I tip my hat to you. Not because you are a total shitsack of a husband who clearly has a case of the late-bloomer-who-didn't-get-enough-play-whilst-dorky-Jewish-boy-attending-SUNY's (guys, that is an actual disorder) BUT because despite all of the Facebook albums of me hanging upside down at Teddy's with a bottle of Jack Daniels (in my defense, the booze was free and at least I looked attractive) and sleeping in the corner at Beatrice, this all assures that I'll have an opportunity at running for office in the next twenty years. I mean, we all have our improprieties in the ways of boozing, losing, and Social Network Flooz-ing- but seriously, do all of that shit before you get married... wait to do it, and embarrass you, your preg's wife, and worst of all, your unborn child. But, like I said, thanks again for paving that road of a level of depravity that the public will grow to expect so I may skip down it someday.

Tanning.

"To die for VS. This will make me die."

Tanning is a very touchy topic in society. It strikes chords of unhealthy dermatological practices, cancer, egotism, and aging. But obviously, we are all going to get tan this summer. The point here is that tanning will always happen in the Summertime, you just have to be really careful about how you approach it. If you look above, you will see Carmen Kass on the left in the Christian Dior J'Adore fragrance ad ~~that they have run for, like, 20 years now but is still kick ass~~ and on the right, you will see Snooki. If you are a proper person, you know that you must wear La Roche-Posay Anthelios ALL YEAR LONG, FACE, EARS, DECOLLATE, and this goes for Summer months as well. Why? Oh, maybe because one year of running errands, walking your dog, and lunching on patios WITHOUT SUNSCREEN is the equivalent of going on a two week tropical vacation and baking in the sun without sunscreen. It's like a recipe for being old really fast. So, if you don't want to look like Benjamin Button when he was first born by next year's Memorial Day BBQ, get your shit together. This does not mean you have to look like Powder; you can still get a tan because you still get sun through that SPF that you always just thought was raining on your tan parade in the most complete sense. Also, if you have a bad-ass sunscreen (try to get one with a mineral block and a chemical screen= UVA/UVB protection DUH), pop that hat on, and use a little Maui Babe to get gold. Maui Babe is made with Coffee grounds and has some really nice, nourishing oils in it so your skin gets tanned by both the sun and a little natural espresso pigment. WINK! As for your adorable face, keep that hat on, and use a good bronzer/self tanner for your decollate and face so you don't have the tan of some psycho that went to the beach with a beekeeper's hat on but nothing below.

Cloud Computing.

"WTF is this, and what will it do for my social/sex life?"

Cloud Computing is le rage right now. You probably heard about it and you were like, "Yeah, I know what it means dum-dum. I've totally used my laptop while flying on an airplanes. Through multiple clouds." If you hang out with nerds, a.k.a. people that will actually be making money in the next twenty years, you already are privy to this new type of technology that runs on resources that are not trapped inside of your computer ~~stupid fucking MacBook Pro that was way over-fucking priced to have three batteries melt on your legs, and three hard drive failures~~ but rather relies on a remote grid of computers and information storage. Also, with cloud computing, shit just moves plain faster. Soon, we'll be able to open up windows in Gmail and have an open forum live chat with other users where said users can upload files (pictures, docs, porn, whatever weirdo) and exchange information and text much faster. How do I know this? Because I am fucking awesome and I have a special invite to the new Gmail platform and got to preview it. Yeah, I spend a lot of time Beta testing boys' mouths and faces, but I also do a good amount of the technological research as well. Not that making out is not totally TRON #NoOffense #LoveYou, but you get what I'm saying...

Read.

"Get this fucking book. Bret Easton Ellis. Discussion over."

Last of all, try not to kill all of your braincells. Just the lame ones that make you sad about breakups or the time you told everyone that they could "kiss your Faberge ass" then pissed through your swimsuit thus through a cheap, white plastic lawn chair while you housed the rest of that Grey Goose bottle at your ex-boyfriend's producer's pool party. Reading is always a great way to distract yourself from yourself (momentarily), and even better when it's about awesome, morally relaxed characters who have the same (non)values as you.

I love all of you and wish you a wonderful, sexy summer full of post-group-sex brunches and Xanax hangovers on the fair private beaches of Malibu.

Hot Chip I FEEL BETTER music video.

2010-10-16T15:06:00.000-07:00

I had the pleasure of seeing Sleigh Bells, Hot Chip, and LCD Soundsystem last night at the Hollywood Bowl- which was even better than seeing Billy, Stephen, and Alec Baldwin attempt to milk a cow without fighting. One of my friend's asked me if I had seen the music video for the Hot Chip song I feel better, and though I hadn't, I lied and said I had because I was afraid that an angry mob of hipsters might start beating my head in with their iPhones and Burberry flasks. I imagined my mother's horror upon receiving the news that my body was found hanging from a tree on Cahuenga, my neck suspended by several very slender Costume National Homme neckties. I made it out of there, by the grace of Rang, and made sure to watch the music video promptly when I arrived home. It was funnier than watching Megan Fox take the SAT's. Watch.

I feel better was directed by Peter Serafinowicz of Running Wilde (Fox), and Look Around You (Adult Swim). Look- Peter is not my bro, he doesn't bring me ginger ale and enemas when I'm feeling under the weather, but he is [technically] a scouser, and makes good style choices... like death rays, boy bands, and Markets of Britain.

This is what Phish sounds like when you don't like Phish.

2010-10-12T12:33:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to explain this for years. This video just said what I've been thinking since high school.

Ghost Riding the Whip

2010-10-11T00:44:00.000-07:00

Dear whites,

I have made several references to ghost riding the whip in the last week, only to receive blank stares. My question: Where have you been for the past two years? Answer: NOT in the East Bay.

Like many timeless traditions at their point of inception (jazz music, dancing, talking on one's cell phone on speaker really, REALLY loud) the young trend of ghost riding the whip has sent a jolt up the the spine of many American communities ~~of white people.~~ Ghost riding the whip, or "Simply Ghosting", can be described as the driver (of what is usually a late 1980's Buick) jumping out of the still moving car and dancing on and around the vehicle while cranking 2 $hort, F.A.B. or E-40. In other words FUCK YOU, SCOTTY AND STILES. CHECK THIS SHIT OUT. I feel bad for anyone who understands that reference- may god have mercy on your soul.

Check out this documentary trailer for the new film which focuses on the afore mentioned sub-cultural phenomenon.

Additionally, I found the following local Bay Area news report a substantially more candid glimpse...

Gas, brake, dip, dip.

Macho Taildrop

2010-10-02T11:56:00.000-07:00

Since the 1980's, there hasn't been any good films with skateboarding-centric themes. The trailer for this film, Macho Taildrop, was shown to me the other day, and it looks really interesting.

Skateboarding has become one of the fastest growing sports in the world, and it seems that it's boom has created somewhat of a crux wherein the creative ideals of the sport's pioneers have been pitted against commercial exploitation. However, unlike most subcultures, the world of skateboarding seems to be resistant to any sort of pimping. There has been some massive big-budget action sports film failures in the last ten years, but Macho Taildrop seems (mind you, I haven't actually seen the film) like it could be just the right amount of skateboarding, with a side of Napoleon Dynamite, and a heaping helping of Wes Andersonian style.

Faces of the last season of Oprah

2010-09-30T14:41:00.000-07:00

I've been known to take snarky shots at Oprah in the past. But after looking at this site, Faces of the last Season of Oprah, it seems that pretty much everything I've said about Mrs. Harpo pants is overwrought in comparison. A picture is worth a thousand gut busters.

Lessons.

2010-09-28T14:12:00.000-07:00

If you have been reading this blog, you know that I mysteriously fall off the grid during the Summer season. If you haven't been following this website, then I feel bad for you ~~but not malicious enough that I will wish a cleft palate upon your future offspring~~. Here's the recap...

Los Angeles is still the worst place to live. Ever.

Los Angeles has more flaws then Heidi Montag-Pratt before her ten surgeries. Not only is the air filthy and disgusting, practically guaranteeing that you will die an early death caused by emphysema, but the people here are absolutely hideous. Is it possible that a community could be more self-obsessed, while at the same time shamefully ignorant in the arena of pertinent arts and culture? Aside from the health and social related risks of residing in Los Angeles, there is also a very real threat of physical endangerment. Did you know that this abominable squat is located on a fault line? I guess everyone is too busy fighting the aging process and driving their German cars from lunch spot to frozen yogurt joints to notice.
... and the driving. Oh, the driving. Most residents spend an average of 13-20 hours per day in their cars. I guess the best thing to do is to just avoid this hell hole at all costs. Yes. Just stay as far away from it as you can- like in New York. Seasons!

Pricasso.

Remember right before you dropped out of college when your bro, the fine arts major, brought home that terrible excuse for a painting and you took one look at it and said, "I could have painted that with my dick!" Well, it turns out you should have spent more time barking up that tree instead of devoting your life to building the best art car for next year's Burning Man.

Beer.

It's the most delicious summertime drink. I Inception-ed that dream from you when you passed out from polishing off a pony keg.

Lip Balm addiction.

During the warmer season, I tend to blow through lip balm faster than Lohan's jail "visits". I Googled "lip balm addiction" and found Lip Balm Anonymous. After I got done cleaning the pee off of my pantalones, I realized that I use an olive oil based lip balm from Trader Joe's about every thirty minutes. However, it should be noted that I receive numerous compliments on the condition of my lips. To all the dum dums out there incessantly putting Blistex and Carmex on your mouth: you should know that the human body cannot process petroleum or mineral oils. That stuff is meant for your gas tank. If you use such products with these ingredients you are most likely putting a dead dinosaur's wiener on your mouth. AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THAT DINOSAUR HAS BEEN.

Easy now, Suzy Creamcheese.

The person pictured above is getting a lot of attention and earnings these days. The only thing standing between you and that kind of fuck-you-money is a heap of thinly sliced meat, a bottle of peroxide and some spare time. Get inspired.

The Garry Shandling Movie Poster Project, By Tim Heidecker

2010-04-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

These days we often forget that Photoshop is not solely used for the purposes of, say, retouching Kim Kardashian's thighs, or making before and after Acai Miracle diet sales ads. Adobe created Photoshop for the digital artist, and once in a while we are presented with a shining example of new media that renews our faith in pixels, nay, the Royal We.

Tim Heidecker posted a series of Garry Shandling movie posters on his blog a couple of months ago, and I think they may incite world peace, or gift certificates from Yogurtland, or just something really good for everyone. Click on the poster below to view more.

Two professionals at a Quinceañera.

2010-04-12T21:51:00.000-07:00

Everything was set for my fifteenth birthday party. I mean SET- Carne Asada, monogrammed pink napkins, an arch of 2,000 yellow balloons, flowers, my hoop skirt, tiara. After my friends began to leave, my uncle and his pal started to get really wasted. I mean WASTED.

Horsey Sauce

2010-04-12T21:38:00.000-07:00

This horse is running to Coachella hella fast.

Sex and the Single Ape

2010-04-04T00:19:00.000-07:00

I have found something I really like. It's a blog. It's called Singleape.com. I feel like it's the more loving version of my blog, authored by a boy. Ironic, right? One would think that the girl blog, draped in vaginally inspired pink tones, would have a coddling resonance. Check it out!

Four Girls, One Cup... that is still half empty.

2010-04-03T15:57:00.000-07:00

I almost peed myself laughing as I watched this trailer. It's not a warm, friendly kind of laugh- not the kind that you have as a good friend divulges about her experience with explosive diarrhea in a cocktail dress, drunk, at a Bolthouse T Mobile party. No, not that kind. It's the kind of laugh that is spawn from the depths of one's soul, from the darkest corner- the corner where you hide your resentment from not being approached by Proactiv for the spokesmodel position. The bitterness that results from the inability to get MTV to pay your rent in the stucco apartment complex, your ten plastic surgeries- the fact that you don't get to design knit-jersey dresses and leggings and call it a "clothing line" while Viacom foots the bill and perpetuates the nonsense. Behold the biggest shit-show yet. The most polished turd that has ever graced American television...

The Hills - MTV Shows - The Hills (Season 5) - MTV Shows

People want people to fail- all the time.

2010-04-02T22:43:00.000-07:00

When Elisabeth Hasselbeck isn't plagiarizing books about living with Celiac's Disease, she is pantomiming some weird delusion of modern conservative patriotism for all to see on national television... on a show that somehow wins Emmy awards. This makes The View practically unwatchable. However, this version of the show could be looped all day long and I would never get tired of it. Free speech.

"I hope they have a beer hose."

2010-04-02T12:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Everyone on Spring Break,

Don't get that butterfly tattoo on your lower back... get the High Class Problem's web address instead. And make sure you pack all of your "neccesitatas": enough Ralph by Ralph Lauren perfume, Plan B Packets, and a taser.

Shots?

The Price of Gas

2010-04-01T23:56:00.000-07:00

I found this commercial on YouTube, and though I am normally not a huge fan of fart jokes, I felt as if I could really relate to this. Specifically, the night of my birthday party a couple of weeks back when my friend Gabriel presented me with a cheese platter and a pizza for dinner at her apartment. I spent my entire evening feeling pregnant... with goat cheese.

The Barbie Coloring Contest

2010-03-31T17:45:00.000-07:00

If you enjoy using Photoshop, and you have the misfortune of catching a nasty cold and getting really bored, try the Google Search "Barbie coloring pages". There are so many line art jpeg's on the web- that description being the new school nerd term for coloring book. Check out all of the weird stuff that is out there, just waiting to be graced by your colored pencils or crayons, and notice how awkward Barbie is in all of the illustrations. Barbie's range of coloring book expressions go from benevolent and noble to frighteningly dolorous. Here are a couple that I have selected and annotated for your coloring pleasure.

Fran and Freba

2010-03-31T00:04:00.000-07:00

If you don't know who Kristen Wiig is yet, you clearly are living a very dull and unsatisfactory life, judging by modern standards. Kristen is the incarnation of all of the funny women that have come and gone in the world of comedy over the last forty years. Her range is staggering, and her ability to characterize an average working gal in the air traffic control tower (and actually make it really funny) is very impressive. So many nuances and perfect impersonations of mediocre American life.

So- THIS is what they call "bedtime".

2010-03-25T23:15:00.000-07:00

Preparation for sleep is paradoxical in the sense that I usually don't want to wind down because my mind enters it's most productive state around 10:00 p.m. P.S.T., so it basically comes down to me, figuratively speaking, forcing my instinct deep down into a fluffy comforter by means of Xanax. About thirty minutes after I administer, my eyelids begin to droop, and I think of a new greeting card I would like to make- but it's getting harder to type on the laptop, and then, all of a sudden... food cravings. There is not much yummy stuff in the kitchen, reason being I ate it all last night, and the night before. While searching through the drawer of my settee, I found a stash of Sour Punch Straws: one strawberry, and one green apple. It's no Cap'N'Crunch, but it does the trick. The citric acid tears up the roof of my mouth, and I wonder if I should have another because my mouth feels like someone took a belt sander to it. There is one other thing in the kitchen that I know exists: Spicy pork rinds. I'm just one more munchie-pain away from going in the kitchen and getting the pork rinds. Instead, I am going to try to relax and watch this awesome DVD called Blossoming Lotus, which is made by this totally incredible organization called the Monroe Institute. Their audio and video programs sync your brain hemispheres through binaural beats and other sounds, plus some meditation guidance. It's truly heaven here in this nest, and I have everything I need including, but not limited to, bad snacks, some water, over-priced flannel pajamas, and some new age self-help material. The experience is comparable to a Princess Cruise in Alaska... except the weather is better, and you don't run the risk of Sarah Palin shooting you because of your stance on the health care bill. This is what my screen looks like: I hope that watching this hippie-ish image won't make me start craving cashew cheese and meat substitutes. If I start talking about drinking my own pee for good health, hula-hooping, or hemp in the next few days, my computer needs to be seized.

Jottings from a typical day.

2010-03-24T00:09:00.000-07:00

-I am having Xanax food cravings again in the night. There is a nice broccoli slaw salad in the fridge, and Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie in the freezer. Someone needs to intervene here.

-My mom was listening to Rick Astley tonight, while explaining to me that it would be very simple to fashion an Ewok costume for my dog this Halloween.

-My overdue library books are giving me anxiety. I am embarrassed to go into the Pasadena Main library branch. I may move to the next town to avoid the weirdness.

-I filled out a job application today at a local sushi restaurant, and there was a section on the application that read, "Describe your favorite boss or most admired leader, and what it is about that person that appeals to you." I wrote, "Benito Mussolini: a man who knew what he wanted, and could give one hell of a speech. Take no prisoners." I wasn't going to write it, but then I remembered the recording artist Seal's song lyrics "we're never going to survive unless we get a little... crazy." Looks like Heidi picked a good one.

American Idol

2010-03-23T22:59:00.000-07:00

I am baffled by American Idol. Seriously? This group of pubescent wieners and married men who gave up on their dreams when their kids were born are, somehow, intriguing to a good portion of the United States... yet the dernier cri is completely lost on yours truly. Is it that difficult to choose a song that you can sing well (considering you are supposedly a vocalist worthy of appearing on national television) from the Billboard #1 list which has been compiled over a span of sixty years? It seems that just as lobbyists are the corporate interest's answer to evading taxes and scoring contracts, American Idol is the record industry's answer to the new revolution in music where an artist has to put out an album comprised completely of hit songs in order to be moderately successful, yet most of the label's focus tends to be in the arena of marketing, versus concept. The whole thing is just really, really boring. Here's to more American-style mediocrity.

Comfortably Plump.

2010-03-01T23:15:00.000-08:00

Monday was...
Going to a yoga class that is comprised entirely (I do not exaggerate) of Asian women under 5'2" in Arcadia- that is, when you are 5'11" and blonde- is a real mind fuck. Sorry for the profanity, I just don't have a respectable literary expression for how completely ridiculous it looked in the mirror of the fitness room. My arm was literally five inches longer than the woman's legs sitting next to me. I am pretty sure she could walk erect underneath my downward facing dog. I was like the fucking St. Louis arch in comparison.

La Sarah

2010-02-25T21:39:00.001-08:00

I think Sarah Hyland is very, very entertaining. Is it wrong that I want to be friends with La Sarah? I can actually imagine being her roommate- and loving it. The last statement might explain some problematic living situations in my past.

A week of YouTube comedy.

2010-02-22T12:57:00.000-08:00

I am going to be posting my favorite online gut-busters this week. I have recently found a few gems, and I hope they make your stomach hurt, and provoke pants-peeing.
To begin the week, I'd like to start out with a short from a funny man name John Roberts. No, he is not the owner of a modeling training center, he is just a quirky guy with a funny dream. This particular bit made me cringe a bit at first because it brings back memories of Mother's Day at my home. Tensions are high, as are expectations. Just one false move could ruin mom's entire day, if not her entire next year.

iImpress

2010-01-18T09:48:00.001-08:00

I saw the above video on YouTube, boasting another new Apple product that will be annoying everyone soon. Basically, they're coming out with a giant Ipod touch/Iphone? Can't wait to run out and get one of those- I'll get to spend more time fumbling to hit the right keys on the touch keyboard instead of transcribing my vision. Have you ever received a text message or email from someone with an Iphone? It's offensive. But, like the Iphone, it will be worth it because you'll be able to impress all of your attention deficit addled friends with pretty pictures and touch screen functionality, and most likely tons of useless applications, similar to the iPhone. Unfortunately, as evidenced by the iPhone, purpose and function are not the focus in regards to Apple's recent product line. What's next? Some people say that Apple, in conjunction with Toyota, is working on a prototype for a car. Just imagine if an iPhone and a Prius mated. It's rumoured that the new vehicle will run on vegan farts and there won't be a steering wheel or a gear shift- but instead, just a giant touch screen. The iCar will also not actually require you to manually "drive"- there will be an application that senses other cars on the road and maneuver according to sensors so you, the driver, can spend more time playing with applications like "Tazer Gun with Switchblade", "Enjoy Toilet Paper", and so on. Just beware of that crazy app "iWreck", and also "iDui". And it must also be mentioned that the car will be incredibly stupid looking, which will draw lots of attention to the driver, inaudibly stating, "I don't mind driving what looks like a misshapen pinto bean with metallic paint because I am saving the earth, and I am the ultimate devoted Apple consumer." What they won't mention is that to produce the iCar will require careful and strategic planning of factory location. Meaning, we better put the factory in a third world country because the pollution will be so terrible, and the acid rain that results will kill even the strongest of cockroaches. So, like the iPhone, the iCar will promise ease of use with your other apple products and less pollution... but in actuality, it will retard your productivity, weaken your brain, and create more pollution than a Hummer. Some scientists (me), have released a photo of the proto. I had the privilege of getting the first look at it (because I made it, shhhhhhh). Behold...

Showdown at Painted Rock.

2010-01-13T21:59:00.000-08:00

Yes, I just referred to Lauren Conrad as a painted, inanimate object. Would anyone like to disagree with me on this? My brother was an Indian for Halloween a couple of years back, and he got upwards of three Mystic Tans just to heighten the effect. But that was Halloween, and not the MTV Video Music Awards. Not like it's Victoria's coronation or anything... but, c'mon. Below, is my brother portraying a native, along with his friend who is Emo- but just for Halloween. Please take careful consideration in comparing the two photos. If my sibling had only put on some powder pink lipstick and worked up a little chignon in efforts to be classy, we would have identical twins.

NY Mag Hags

2009-11-19T13:13:00.000-08:00

Here's another worthless and detrimental posting on NY Mag's website about Heidi Klum's weight. Please, take a look at this (Click on Alessandra Ambrosio's gaunt-ass face below)In case you are too lazy, this is what "Fashion Blogger" Amy Odell has to say about Heidi's weight:

"Tonight, Heidi Klum will host the Victoria's Secret fashion show in a custom-made latex outfit. "I figure why not? I embrace that I have more curves right now," said Klum, who recently gave birth to her fourth child, which is why she's not walking in the show this year. And yet she adds, "I still have 20 lbs. to go." We see how this works — she'll just "embrace" those curves until they're gone."

First of all, what is wrong with "embracing curves" on your body? Ever seen the film Children of Men? Yeah, well that's what will end up happening if women follow the trend of striving to be grossly underweight for acceptance, continuing to hate their bodies. I'd like to see what this faceless, snide, and opinionated Amy Odell looks like. If she isn't a squat little muffin that has to get her chest waxed, routinely, despite only being twenty-seven, addicted to Starbucks, etc., then she's a squat wannabe with an eating disorder who couldn't make it in the spotlight. Amy- let me see you give birth to a fourth child and have the guts to put on a latex jumpsuit soon after. I hope all of the rubbing elbows with the B-crowd, cocaine, and embossed business cards are worth killing your ovaries. Despite profanity being the last bastion of a desperate writer- Shut the fuck up, Amy.

Fashion Inspired [by transvestite-hookers and bad drugs]

2009-08-29T20:59:00.000-07:00

Celebrity fashion, to me, is an oxymoron. The following photos are either major blunders of hack stylists (which, by the way, do you know any stylists that aren't hacks?), or just really bad taste. Either way, it's a real shame. The old adage still holds true... you can buy a publicist, but you can't buy class.

"...I'm actually trying this whole new thing where I avoid cocaine, so I couldn't use the loo. I came out and peed on the deck instead. My dress? It's great, right? I actually bought it on Ebay. Supposedly, Julia Roberts wore it in Pretty Woman but they had to cut all of the really offensive hooker-y scenes out that she wore this in."

"My head piece may seem strange, but once everyone finds out it's a feather from Dante, my phoenix bird boyfriend that fronts the really hot electro band Kunta Kinte, it will legitimize this look. The world will never get tired of me looking bored in expensive clothing. Never."

"Finally. A night alone. Her and her sister, all of their stupid ideas- they try to change me and it's cramping my style... my great style. Just because I'm married and have a kid doesn't mean I'm not still the edgy rocker I was born to be. I mean, who else has the balls to name their infant after a borough in New York after growing up in a suburb of Chicago? Same dude who wears a denim tuxedo on the orange carpet, and shares shoes with Samantha Ronson."

"Ahhh, when I found this in Florida at Cache, I was like, 'Oh my god, it's kind of The Loveboat meets Zena Princess Warrior... but I think I can pull it off.' I think the draping pleats really flatter."

Anne Frank: The Redux, Disney Style!

2009-08-27T12:34:00.000-07:00

Have you been feeling that Anglo-guilt dissipating lately? Or maybe your cousins have been talking about Bar/Bat Mitzvah tills that are coming up 20 K short? Well, all of that could change very soon. You see, the good people at Disney have decided to adapt The Diary of Anne Frank. I am praying like hell that this is a musical and Anne Frank is played by Miley Cyrus who, at one point, will be the highlight of a fireworks parade, shining in a spotlight as she waves from the tower of Cinderella's castle. David Mamet has signed on to re-work this story, and while most of you are thinking CAREER DEATH WISH, one should note that Mamet has maintained stature and has evolved during his career- this is evidenced of course by Glengarry Glen Ross (1992), to his current development of Joan of Bark: The dog that saved France. I have a question that I know no other dares to ask: Does the ol' Anne Frank bit still hold water? For all we know, she could have just been a spoiled JAP-py Rapunzel. It's all subject to speculation, much like the the tale of the 9/11... but that should not stop anyone from dramatizing and capitalizing upon such stories. I was thinking that since we were in an economic crisis, movies that make people feel guilty wouldn't go over so well. It's one thing to watch a movie where a young person is oppressed by followers of a radical new leader and forced to eat oatmeal and cabbage, and it's another thing to watch said film when this is actually not a far cry from a common, contemporary American reality.

This all was brought to my attention by Mike Rees' blog on True Slant, and if you don't know who he is by now, I don't really want to know you. Okay, I don't really mean that. I guess I'm just tired of not being able to make reference to his work and have people identify with me at parties where I feel nervous and get snarky as a result. I am re-posting the pages below that Rees alleges are leaked pages from Mamet's new adaptation. This made my week, and I will probably sleep with these five pages under my pillow at night.

Fang Bangers

2009-08-21T16:00:00.000-07:00

Well, looks like there is a growing Vampire epidemic... again.

I really don't know where to begin with this. I mean, beside the novelty of visiting Bran's Castle in Romania and (re)watching Interview with a Vampire just to see Kirsten Dunst's pantomime of a psychotic, blood-sucking version of JonBenet Ramsey, a la Anne Rice, I don't really see how much more this horror-franchise could possibly tow. Apparently, at least $383,489,834 (gross) on a steaming pile most know by the handle Twilight. Now, the aisles of Ross Dress for Less are sprinkled with mothers shopping for 38 DD bras as their slightly overweight and acne-riddled daughters tag behind them as if they were shackled, wearing black screen printed t-shirts with a photo of Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson in a melodramatic embrace. The obvious draw: "Vampires are outcasts just like me, and have been forced to live in shame and fear because of their appetite for plasma ~~which is much different than my appetite for cheese fries in my cafeteria that make my body odor and acne almost unbearable.~~" True Blood surfaced on HBO, thus proving that not only lazy, milk-toast suburban teens from Burbank to the Jersey shore can be sold, but an older, and supposedly more intelligent premium-cable audience. I guess out of all of the horror folklore characters (sasquatch, Frankenstein, Rachel Zoe, the Loch Ness Monster, Kate Holmes, and werewolves) vampires are the only monsters that can be sexy in a human-ish way, hence their marketability. But wait- there's more. The CW, apparently a little too high on Gossip Girl success, has decided to push through the wee hours and hoover up another line in the form of The Vampire Diaries. Wait, wait- don't tell me. An average looking actress is stuck in a sticky situation where a douchey young actor, who is supposed to be a vampire, is trying like hell to eat her neck flesh. Rumour has it the only real competition that the televised glampire revolution faces is The Discovery Channel's new series The Anatomy of a Fart, and Spike TV's A Don Simpson Christmas.

I am truly baffled by this Vamp-Empire, and similarly perplexed by the strange trend of what can only be summed up as Goth. But the sales at Hot Topic are ever-booming, Evanescence has a massive following, and Tim Burton and his films are the godhead to a growing faction of supposedly lachrymose, pubescent brats in suburbia... with that said, they are not sad enough to refrain from littering the malls with their presence. I think I just found the connection between the growing population of over-indulged offspring that assume morbidity as an identity and the newest craze in entertainment.

While cruising around on YouTube for vampire vids, I came across a clip from Tyra's show. I almost mistook this for a SNL skit when I started watching it. My favorite highlight is Tyra, in her predictable fashion, bringing up racial sterotypes, her weight insecurities, and her own lack of fruit knowledge in her interview with a local vampire.

(Click on the man with the funny teeth to view)

Look at This Fucking Hipster

2009-04-17T00:27:00.000-07:00

I really like this blog. It strikes a profound chord in me when I see photos of Manhattan hipsters, a.k.a., NYU Students, Conde Nast Interns, and the regular assorted variety of prodigal offspring celebrating their "individuality" and "spirit". This photo, and it's caption, really stole my heart...“It’s actually really hard to be a pimp when all your bitches have trust funds.”

Check them out at
Look at this Fucking Hipster

SHIPASHEEPTURD.COM: Cottage Industries blossom in tough economy

2009-03-12T22:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Facebook,

Thanks for making it possible for me to stay informed, in a timely manner, in the ways of my friends. I don't know how I lived for so long without knowing about everything that everyone is doing during the day- I mean, what if my best friend broke up, went to the Glendale Galleria, ate at Panda Express and got diarrhea... but when I didn't Facebook, sometimes I wouldn't get wind of these stories until hours later, sometimes even a whole day.
As far as I can tell, you're great. There is only one flaw in your beautifully designed information mill: You are spying on me and my interests. Today, I opened up my Facebook page to check and see what my friends were consuming for breakfast and see who had a hangover from last night. In the right margin, I saw this.
How did you know that I have a passion for neatly boxing animal excrement and giving it to people? Maybe you have transcended the servers and wires and become a living, breathing entity that apparently can stalk my nightmares and come to concise conclusions about my personality and consumer habits. That's all fine and good, but you may want to run these ads through a spell check program of some kind. The word "Truds" above, as we all know, is use to describe druid-shaped poop, and is considered to be of an obsolete style. Just saying.
Also, you should really check out the Sheep Turd website. It's kind of a hoax, if you ask me. I really do want to send people poop in the mail- not poop that tastes and smells like candy because it is candy. That ruins everything. ShipaSheepTurd.com is a great concept with a dissappointing PG resolve. I'm just a little jealous that I didn't come up with the idea first.

Gotta go wrap some gifts.

HCP

Culture Corner

2009-03-10T08:17:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have resolved to watch what is considered to be the worst programming available on television. Instead of complaining about the lack of good television, namely, fixating on the cancellation of Arrested Development a few years back, I am embracing the lurid nature of a few really distasteful shows that scream "Semi-Non-Scripted Reality/Non-WGA Signatory".
If you haven't had the pleasure already, you should really try to catch a couple of episodes of The Bad Girls Club. It is a delight. America's Next Top Model is full of staged catty bitch-out's, but it gets a little boring because there's this whole competition aspect, and the girls are actually expected to do something. That's what is so wonderful about The Bad Girls Club- all they have to do is simply live in a house with each other... no goals or rules! Check this out:

(Click on the pic)

SpoofCard

2009-01-27T10:41:00.000-08:00

Valentine's day is on the approach, and everyone is searching for the perfect gift for his/her special someone. Instead of buying your paramour a box of overpriced Vosges Bacon-Peppercorn-Chili-Lemon flavored chocolate, or some really itchy lingerie- buy yourself a SpoofCard and harass the pants off your lover over the phone! Here's how it works:

You can choose what number you are going to call, then you can choose what you want to show up on their caller ID. You also have the choice of disguising your voice with a built-in vocal transformer. How fun is that? If you're feeling nice around Valentine's day, buy one as a gift and sit with some good wine and prank people for the entirety of the Hallmark Holiday.

Balls to the Walls Mall Dolls, and stuff that's going on.

2009-01-20T16:07:00.000-08:00

Good God! Does anyone else think this week has been long? I know it's only Tuesday, but it's seemed like a horribly long haul these last two days. Maybe it's the inauguration, or perhaps it's my apparent inability to refrain from consuming adult beverages. This evening is all about staying inside with a glass of pomegranate juice and playing a rousing round of Mall Madness... but I'll be playing myself, as no one wants to come over.
Some things and other stuff that is happening:

Metronomy is going to be playing in Los Angeles tomorrow (January 21st) and I cannot wait to dance. The dayglo pink facepaint is already laid out on the vanity, and the dancing shoes are being polished. In similar news, Chromeo will also be playing in my fair sub-mediteranian Camelot on Thursday the 22nd- attendance is mandatory.

In Facebook news, Betty Wong owns Samantha Ronson per the popular Facebook application Friends for Sale. "What kind of price might Miss Ronson fetch?" you ask. Try a whopping $325,725,235 on for size and take it for a light jog around the block.

There are a ton of whales, dolphins, and even Harbor Seals roving around the Malibu area right now, and even the Santa Monica bay. Go check them out before the Japanese kill them.

Summer Heights High has ended on HBO, thus rendering life pointless and devoid of any joy... except maybe the joy of an over-exalted new president, inauguration parties with free vodka, and The Bachelor, all of which are nothing in comparison to Ja'Mie King screaming, "I'd rather be a pedophile than a lesbian!"

Gilly Hicks is a new underware line for women which is owned by Abercrombie and Fitch Co. They are a new store, and seemingly trying to liquidate a great deal of stock as they are currently hocking really hot scivvies for $1.90 a pair. There are few greater thrills than getting ten pairs of panties for under twenty bucks.

If you are hungry do this:
Go to the store and buy 2 huge sweet potatoes. Wash them, leave the skins on, and slice them very thin. Mix a half cup of Olive oil with a crushed clove of garlic and a pinch of cinnamon. Pour that over the yummy yams, sprinkle with salt and pepper, and bake for 40 minutes at 425 degrees.

If you had artificially become pregnant with three girl children, it would be totally worth it to name them Freedom, Justice, and Liberty.

Oprah is obsessed with slavery and the civil rights movement.

If I could live inside of the store Anthropologie, I would.

The Mall is an excellent place to spend time with your good friends. The shopping center landscape promotes good attitudes and amazing food items.

Be advised: The Beverly-Wilshire hotel charges even their most precious guests (me) $40 for an overnight valet. Where the hell is Richard Gere when you need him?

Talk to the password because my personal information won't listen.

2009-01-13T20:18:00.000-08:00

A cousin of mine was in Los Angeles visiting this past weekend. At one point, I believe it was when I was walking in front of my family whilst pretending I was a flying bird that was leading them somewhere, she said, "you are so free".
"Yes, I am", I thought to myself, "free to do my bird pantomime, and fly wherever I want."

Feeling liberated is the greatest feeling of all, and I consider part of my own liberation to be the product of several personal choices, namely disregarding the opinion of those who aren't close enough to me for their judgment to actually seem meaningful. But what happens when the people that don't matter (cease to matter to you, or start to matter less and less) seek vengeance? There are a lot of ways to sneak attack a light-hearted, non-paranoid person... all it takes is a few hurt feelings, and a few minutes to access your most personal transmissions and confidential information. It's creating a post-modern epidemic of blow-ups, falling outs, break-up's, and very public disputes.

Today, the average bear has a Blackberry, several email accounts, Instant Messenger services, a Skype account, Facebook, Myspace, PayPal, the list goes on. Often times, one can access these accounts, despite their non-ownership, with only a couple of pieces of information that are not hard to obtain if you have, or had, a fairly personal relationship with a person. If you would have asked me if I thought that anyone I dated, or my friends, would attempt to access my email, phone, etc., at the times of acquiring these technologies, I would have responded, "no, of course not. What do I look like?"

CUT TO:
INT. DAY- SHIT HITTING THE FAN

About five years ago, I found myself in a destructive relationship- destructive on both ends. He was an alcoholic, I thought he just drank a lot; I was a fan of wearing minimal amounts of clothing, he had a Madonna-Whore Complex; he cheated and blamed me, I wasn't cheating but constantly having to prove my innocence. It was a sick (yet surprisingly chic!) downward spiral into a war that escalated... there were knock down battles in Cannes on the Coisette, German sports cars flailing too close to guard rails on Mulholland, illegally distilled Czech Absinthe, and all kinds of speculation on both parts. On one fateful night, I fled the house and left my then boyfriend to his bottle and thoughts in our apartment. After a good meal and some reassuring from my best friend, I realized I would need to get some things from the house in order to live for a week or so until I found other accommodations. I returned home to find a one boyfriend on the brand new $4,000 rug in a pile of his own vomit, mumbling and cursing my name (note: girls don't find this attractive, call me Victorian). The 2:00 A.M. check-in to the Roosevelt was not a high point. Once locked safe in my fortress of solitude a la Thompson Hotels, my Blackberry sounded like it was having a seizure. In ten minutes, I received over 250 emails that I had sent and received in the prior six weeks... but all were being forwarded from MY email address. Turns out, my putrid paramour enlisted the help of his overweight production intern to hack into all of my email accounts, and had been raiding my mail- wherein I regularly conducted open forums pertaining to the matter of my fiendish relationship- for a month-and-a-half. I took a seven hour bath and over one-hundred milligrams of Doxepin... and still broke out in panic hives. And all it took was a wounded ego and him asking a favor in exchange for another (most likely in the form of an Arby's gift card).

This little anecdote proves that no matter what, who, or where, you should secure all of your personal information. Inquiring minds want to know, and when it's sitting front and center, it's hard to restrain one's self. Add a little anger, some hurt feelings, and you've got a full tilt security breach. My ex-boyfriend had his intern come into our house and install password spy software on both of my computers. Then he gave him a load of my personal information. This is the same person who I slept next to, discussed our future with, and ran crappy errands for. Creepy.

I really haven't thought of any facet of this story until recently, but due to an influx of horror stories from my friends, the awful scenario resurfaces, heeding warning. Oh, the stories... Blackberrys plucked from bedside tables and scoured in the middle of the night. Facebook accounts opened up wide, easily, thanks to password settings in browsers. And, the worst of the worst- the actual hand-written, good old fashioned analog journal reading. All is truly fair in love and war, so get it together and lock it up. Some helpful tips:

If you use Yahoo Mail, especially, try registering under a different birthdate- like that of your favorite historical figure (Susan B. Anthony? Mussolini?) or maybe your favorite Olsen twin.
Change your passwords regularly, and systematically.
Put a password on your phone and a time-out lock. This also works for avoiding those big phone bills for calls that were made to Peru during that fateful five hours you left your handset at Target but you were too busy at yoga, and post-yoga Pinkberry to realize it.
Put a master password on your computer. Make it something that pertains to the people you're trying to ward off from weaseling around in your computer. Nicetrymotherfucker69, Youareastupiddick, and icantbebotheredwithyourinsolence are all examples of impermeable gatekeepers that will bring a smile to your face every time you log in.
Put a pin on your voicemail. You'll have to dial it when you check your messages, but really- how many voicemails are you getting? Better question, who still leaves voicemail? That's like the covered wagon Pony Express version of communication now.
Do not ever share your email passwords with anyone. No. Matter. What. You should not have to, as there is a computer available in practically every bathroom stall of the world. Also reason #43 to buy a Blackberry.
If your boyfriend/girlfriend asks for password information because they are suggesting that there be some sort of "transparency" in your relationship, calmly remind them that Hitler also maintained a level of transparency. Then run. Run as fast as you can, regardless of whether or not you are equipped with footwear.
If you have pictures, letters, or any memorabilia of past lovers, get rid of it. If you must keep it, lock it away safely. Hint: it would be smart to destroy any lascivious photos, media, etc.
Go into your browser settings and make sure that your computer doesn't keep your history or passwords, and clear all of your personal information from anyone else's computer you use.
Use your own equipment. Don't borrow. It's actually the more polite thing to do.

In closing, it's really not about being a paranoid hermit, but protecting what is sacred. Passwords are the new condoms, and everyone needs to get on board.

Ann Coulter does Today Show, makes ass of self.

2009-01-07T22:02:00.000-08:00

Ann Coulter hates your poor, your tired, and your single mothers longing for support.

If anyone caught the Today Show this morning, you had the pleasure of seeing Ann Coulter's drawn, wrinkled face which is shaped like the mask from Scream, and boasts a giant hole in the middle of it from which all sorts of inconceivably offensive statements fly. You know, everyone is on such a self-righteous, liberal high now that Barack Obama has been elected, and it is clearly driving Ann "Stan" Coulter to step up her ignoramous game. She is ardent and dedicated to the fight against leftist ideals- why else would you go on a morning talk show and proclaim that all of the social problems in the United States can be traced back to single mothers? The only raucous performance that would top this would involve Paris Hilton going on Larry King, climbing up on the table and insisting a close up on her genitals while exlaiming, "I love Satan! Kill Whales! Eat Babies!" And even that wouldn't be as offensive as this:

I have a theory that Ann Coulter is a man. And not just any man, but a drag queen... an angry one. A woman hating, fascist, money-grubbing wannabe she. Check out the battle royale below where Ann attempts to take on Katie Couric.

What America is Googling

2009-01-06T23:10:00.000-08:00

Today I was looking for a crack, or key-gen, for a popular computer program. When I typed in "how to" in my Google search bar atop my browser, this is what appeared.

Seriously? Are these the most Googled how to's? There is a lot of problems with this list. Let's start with How to Make Money, How to Make a website, and How to tie a tie. First of all, it's just really, really sad that the economy is so terrible that people are Googling How to make money- as if the internet would provide all of us with some amazing answer like some sort of coordinates in the Caribbean where treasure is buried. Normally, in a non-recession threatened market I would say the best way to make money would be to go out and get a job. Obviously, one is most likely Googling How to Make a Resume before they turn on the news and realize that massive layoffs are in order. Which leads us to How to make a website. Perhaps Googlers (yes, it's a noun) have somewhat of an inkling that they cannot go out and get a job right now, and think that if they could only build a successful website, they, too, could make money. But if you're sitting home on your ass in the worn pajama pants your mother gave you last Christmas, tinkering away on Dreamweaver in efforts to craft a website where you sell some type of goods or services that Americans will never stop buying, even in a recession (i.e. crude oil, Anti-depressants, or Starbucks) my question is this: Why do you need to know How to tie a tie? Is your Mac laptop a really stringent boss that enforces a dress code?
Is this seeming circular yet?

I find that the afore mentioned How to's are appropriately grouped together, as is the second grouping: How to kiss, How to get pregnant, and How to make a turkey. Only in the United States would I expect anyone to Google How to kiss, and I attribute France's hate for our country solely to this popular Google entry. And in true American fashion, we jump right from kissing to How to get pregnant. There is really no better option, and no greater joy than going from lousy, inexperienced kisser to brazen fornicating which leads to hapless procreation- but competing with other parents to see who can buy the most expensive stroller and Mommy and Me yoga ~~right after gouging my eyes out with a pair of rusty shears~~ is a close second. And if you can't conceive by drowning yourself in organic sulfite-free wine from Whole Foods before some sloppy romping, you can always try the turkey baster method. Which brings me to How to cook a turkey. So now that you can kiss your significant other and seem less like a dog trying to get peanut butter off of it's lips, and have a lovely family as a result of successful procreation ~~fertility drugs, acupuncture, lots of psychotherapy and a trip to the Seychelles~~ you now find yourself needing to cook a turkey for the holidays. I think most modern star-spangled mommies would prefer to order out for a turkey nowadays, but out of necessity, one must attempt to perform the matronly task of cooking... neccessity meaning proving to your mother-in-law that you are not, in fact, entirely useless ~~even though you don't work, have a full-time nanny, spend money like it's curing cancer, and your kids think that it's normal to fetch their foods from delivery containers.~~ The whole family life bit can leave a person feeling like a 'Revolutionary Roadie' of sorts, so it's important that we take time to indulge ourselves in dreams that we let die upon entering life as an adult. So, the best thing to Google now is How to draw and How to knit. What else are you going to do when there is no job market and you can't figure out how to use Dreamweaver? Not only are knitting and drawing extremely relaxing creative outlets, but by engaging in such activities you are yielding a product that can be used to barter for other goods and services. I know for a fact that my green grocer on the corner would much rather I pay him in baby booties and cable-knit cashmere dog sweaters than in U.S. currency. And if you ever need to make a few extra bucks, you can always go downtown, or to some kind of pier on the ocean and draw portraits of Japanese tourists. How to lose weight? I think I've already answered that: there's a recession, so you're poor, unemployed, you have kids, and you can't cook food anyway. What's the question? You obviously won't be eating unless you can steal food, so that should definitely be cutting down on the frequency of meals, and you'll burn a ton of calories just running from angry shop owners and rent-a-cops.

Not only have I learned a great deal about our contemporary American anthropology through Google's most poplular How to's, but I've also noticed that we, as a culture, can still be boiled down to four basic desires: eating, having sex, procreating, and being prosperous. And it makes me wonder- how much have we really evolved?

The 2009 could use a little 80's.

2008-12-29T12:19:00.000-08:00

One of the most popular new year's resolutions in America is the goal to lose excess body fat and improve one's appearance. I vividly recall January 1, 2008, when I walked into Crunch in West Hollywood and couldn't get a bike for spin class... and there was a waiting list in excess of the classroom capacity for people who thought that maybe someone that got in would flake. Two weeks later, there was no lines for any of the classes. This goes to show that most of our resolutions are just that- idealistic, unrealistic hopes for the next year. For example, I was in the bathroom at the Roosevelt on New Year's eve, and heard two girls in the next stall hoovering up cocaine and whispering to one another. In an attempt to be quiet, but actually producing a screaming whisper, one girl said to the other, "we are not going to do this in 2009, okay? no more." The friend adamantly concurred.

In the 1980's, it seems as though Americans had a weird obsession with vanity. But the the vanity of the 1980's was so different than that of today. It was a clean, bodacious (sorry, I had to) All-American type of ostentation that required much more effort- but it was fun. Now, our version of attractive is more likely to require you stay away from showers, dress like a slutty, androgenous member of the opposite sex, practice bad posture, and have seemingly low self-esteem. It's almost as if, aesthetically speaking, we are on the exact opposite of the trend spectrum from where we were in the 1980's... but we are, as a country, even more materialistic and even bigger cash-hungry whores than we were in the Reagan years. So, essentially we have digressed into a state of being increasingly morally corupt, but now we choose to hide it by parading around in pegged pants and leather jackets after we work out at the gym. Trust fund babies refusing to practice good hygeine and rolling around the arts districts of their respective towns. Celebrities driving Prius' away from their helicoptor launch pads and jet ways. Models looking like ugly young boys and dressing as if they were gay lumberjacks who dropped 12 sizes and were forced to aquire prescription eyewear from the Salvation Army's homeless shelter. Consumption has been given a bad name, and rightfully so. But why do we insist on insisting that we're not consuming as much, nay, adopt a holier-than-now attitude and apply it to the image we project as individuals?

Though I was only a young child in the 80's, I somewhat miss the simpler ideals. Everything was different, from the way we communicated to our values and was was deemed acceptable behavior. Girls would still wait by the phone in their family's den for a guy to call them. Now, the average thirteen-year-old girl rolls around with a Baby Phat special edition Sidekick in the back pocket of her $250 jeans while she scopes out fresh meat whilst talking to another boy. Point being, there is always something better and more of it. This brings me back to the bathroom stall about a week ago on New Year's Eve. The girls next to me promised themselves not to do anymore drugs in 2009- but those noses didn't sound like they were going to be sated until the septum was deviated, and that is just my point. We continuously indulge ourselves nowadays, to the point where something dreadful happens, but insist the entire time that we are on the right path. Frankly, I think that the afore mentioned is the common theme for disasters ranging from Bernie Madoff to the Sub-Prime loan crisis, from Elliot Spitzer and his hookers to the untimely death of Heath Ledger, from the Polar Ice Caps melting to Pete Wentz and Ashley Simpson procreating and naming their child after a burrough. And yes, that is a travesty.

Obviously, the two videos below seem irrelevant to this subject matter... but are they really? I couldn't help myself. Alyssa Milano is a genius.

And my favorite toy when I was little. I credit Get in Shape Girl for my amazing figure still to this day.

High Class Problem heart's it's readers.

2008-12-10T13:45:00.000-08:00

Hello my lieblings,

It's been a long, hard year for all of us I think. The election, the market crash, and not to mention topping it all off with Heidi and Spencer getting married, and Heidi's mom accusing him of drugging her. I can totally identify with Heidi's mom right now- I kind of feel like my own, autonomous mother figure as I look at myself from a distance... and I want to blame a douche bag guy with a ghost beard for drugging me and making me act like a raucous skank, but alas- I did it to myself. Let us not all forget that stepping outside ourselves and being able to identify with other people by putting ourselves in their position is a priceless skill (I am not referring to Multiple Personality Disorder here, mind you), and is probably going to be the hottest virtue of 2009. Virtues? Hot? Well, yeah bitches. We're creeping up on a year that will put all of us behind on the bank ledgers, and we're going to be seeing the awful aftermath of what 8 years of having a retarded demon for a president does to a nation.

Personally, I am ready to go 'Recessionista Chic'- let's rock it second hand style, and see to it that the hottest restaurant in town is literally an open flame in the center of the city where we're all cooking beans over the fire and singing songs. I know all of you have been waiting for another chance to live like the 60's, and now it's knocking on your door. Or were you following Phish around back in the day and living like a dirtbag just, and only, because you were trying to piss your parents off? We've endured eight years of war, hate, money-grubbing despotism, apathy, and darkness. Let's try to turn it around, and not only with looking for ways to recycle, conserve, and save gas- let's all try to help one another. Start small, and get bigger. First of all, fucking smile at people! It doesn't cost you anything, and it's proven to lower your blood pressure, I shit you not. Help a woman with a baby and a stroller get on the bus. When you pack up all of your old clothes thinking you're going to take them to the Goodwill or Salvation Army, take them down to where the homeless people are on your street and give the clothes to them personally. Likewise, if you do have the privelege of eating at a restaurant, get anything you don't eat boxed up and give it to the person sitting outside that lives in a make-shift tent in the alley. Buy roses from the man who approaches your car, and pay him twice what he's asking- you surely know someone who will be delighted to recieve them. Ask the girl who's crying on the side of the street if she's okay. Listen to your elders- they have pretty cool things to say, and they may not know how to use a Blackberry, but they have seen times that were much more ideal than the present. And even if you do have money, be conservative and scale down your lifestyle, and try to take care of those you love and want to help. Trade in bottle service, multiple cab rides, and champagne for opening your doors to a house party, a cheap keg, and some barbecue. Don't fly private or charter helicopters and then go home to your Prius- keep it real.
Have a sense of humour, because it makes you resilient, and everything good that ever happens is a result of strong people and unrelenting will. Love like you have never been hurt, and forget that you got hurt because there is always someone who is in a way shittier position than you.

And Dance. Dance with your eyes closed and your mind open. Do it until you can't feel anything any longer, until your face hurts from smiling. Dance, and scream as loud as you can, and grab your friends and tell them that you love them. I have little to give, but have given all of you what I could, which is little pieces of my humour, random thoughts, and weird information. And now I would like for all of you to have this for Christmas: Music To Dance to. Click on the link, and download the zip file. Put it in Itunes, and get low.

From Los Angeles, all the way to China, to Berlin, and Back to New York
Schöne Feiertage! Liebe Dich!

XOXO

Erotic Falconry

2008-12-10T11:25:00.000-08:00

Dear beloved High Class Problem readers,

I would like to think that this website (my soap box) ranks in the Top 10 Blogs in the category Random/Outrageous/Daring. I have been going about my life with an ego that inflates more and more everyday as a result of feedback from my readers and my page load stats. However, today I feel truly threatened. My sterling status may be in jeopardy as a result of seeing something so shocking, so daring, and so (I know that profanity is the last bastion of a desperate writer, but if the shoe fits) goddamn fucking cynically hilarious. Ladies and motherfucking gentlemen, I present to you the Hall to my Oates, the sleeveless shirt to my Chuck Norris, the mascara to my Tammy Faye, the God to my Jesus: Erotic Falconry.

I used to think of myself as the Queen of the Crazies. No more. So, on this fair Tuesday, December 10, 2008, I will happily, but tearfully, hand over my crown and exit stage left with my head held high- it's a day for new beginnings. And whatever the fuck this is.

Ipod 911

2008-12-08T10:25:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned about a month back, my hard drive took a steaming shit, rendering me without much of anything left. The only form of external backup I had (have) is my Ipod, with about 5o Gigs of music on it. And of course, as you might guess, it's a time consuming gingerly process to get that music back to the computer.
First, I need to say this: Do not buy Senuti, Ipod rip, or any other stupid third-party utility that transfers your music back. It's costly, and superfluous. After weeks of scanning the internet for solutions, I found the best, nay, free-est answer: Tinkertool!

I cannot take full credit for this, but I read this guys article and it made so much sense, and it was relatively easy, even if you are not a total nerd, such as myself. Here's the original link, and I'm going to re-post.

Moving music off the iPod

Simple ways to copy music on an iPod back to a computer's hard drive

by Christopher Breen, Playlist Magazine

Editor’s Note: The following article is excerpted from the second edition of the Macworld iPod and iTunes Superguide, a 78-page, $12.95 PDF with the very best iPod and iTunes information from the experts at Macworld and Playlist. This new edition, updated for iTunes 7 and Windows compatibility, shows you how to import music from CDs, cassette tapes, and LPs, organize and manage your music files, convert DVDs for playback on a video iPod, and more. In this excerpt, senior editor Christopher Breen looks at moving copies of your music from an iPod to your computer.

When you’re in the business of writing about the iPod for fun and profit, the question most often thrown your way is: “How do I get my music off the iPod and onto my computer?”

The difficulty in answering such a question is that it may be born of less-than-honorable intent. The person asking the question may wish to learn the secret of copying music from the iPod in order to pirate music. While there may be a few bad apples in this regard, more often than not I find people ask the question to find out how to recover music after their computer’s hard drive has crashed. It’s no fun losing thousands of songs at a single bad stroke (and even less fun if a goodly portion of those songs were purchased from the iTunes Store).

Given that I’m asked the question with such regularity, I’ve decided to point the way in the hope that it will help the virtuous among us. Those bad apples intent on stealing music will find a way to do it with or without my help.

Ghostly protection

For those who aren’t hip to the current state of affairs, I should explain that in order to deter music piracy, iTunes and the iPod were originally designed so that music would travel in one direction only—from the computer to the iPod. This has now changed somewhat. With iTunes 7, when you attach an iPod you own to a computer authorized with your Apple ID, iTunes will offer to copy protected content from the iPod to your computer. But that remains the only Apple-blessed way to move music from the iPod to your computer. When you double-click on an iPod mounted on a computer, you’ll find no folder within that holds the device’s music. Yet the music has to be there somewhere.

It is. It’s invisible.

Invisible?

Yes. When Apple designed the iPod’s copy-protection scheme it did so understanding one of the fundamental laws of this new millennium: That which can be locked will be unlocked (by a 12-year-old boy).

Rather than dump millions of dollars into a complicated copy-protection scheme—which would almost immediately be broken by one of these wily 12-year-olds—the company did the wise thing and protected the iPod in such a way that honest folks wouldn’t be tempted to pilfer music off another’s iPod. The company’s engineers did so by doing nothing more than making the iPod’s music folder invisible. Therefore, the trick to getting the music off the iPod is accessing this invisible folder.

Brute force techniques

Though fairly graceless, one of the easiest ways to recover your music from an iPod is to make the iPod’s music folder visible and then drag it over to your computer’s desktop. Once there, simply add that folder (and the music within) to iTunes by dragging the folder into iTunes’ main window or using the program’s Add to Library command (found in the File menu). Here’s how to do this on either a Mac or a Windows PC.

Macintosh The Mac doesn’t include a utility for making invisible files visible so you must download one. My favorite tool for this job is Marcel Bresink’s free TinkerTool. Once you’ve downloaded TinkerTool, follow these steps:

Plug in the iPod.

If iTunes doesn’t launch automatically, launch it.
If the music library on your iPod is not linked to iTunes’ music library (as would be the case when you’re restoring your music library from your iPod to a fresh copy of iTunes installed on a reformatted drive), iTunes will ask if you’d like to sync the contents of the iPod with the contents of the iTunes library. Click Cancel.

Select the iPod in iTunes’ Source list and make sure the Summary tab in iTunes 7’s main window is selected.

Enable the Manually Manage Music option as well as the Enable Disk Use option.

Launch TinkerTool and click the Finder tab.

Enable the Show Hidden and System Files option.

Click Relaunch Finder.

Move to the Finder and double-click on the iPod’s icon on the Desktop.
You’ll discover that several more items now appear in the iPod window. Among them is a folder called iPod_Control.

Double-click the iPod_Control folder.
Inside the iPod_Control folder you’ll find a variety of folders. The one you care about is the Music folder.

Drag the Music folder to your Mac’s Desktop to copy it to your computer. As the name implies, this is where music is stored on the iPod.

In earlier versions of iTunes you could simply drag this Music folder to iTunes’ main window and the music within it would be copied to iTunes’ music library. This is no longer the case. You must now open the Music folder, open the the folders within (these folders all begin with the letter F), and then drag the contents of the folders into the Library entry in iTunes’ Source list.

The songs you copied from the iPod will be added to iTunes. If you’re a tidy type, before copying those files to iTunes, open iTunes’ preferences, click the Advanced tab, and make sure the Keep iTunes Music Folder Organized and Copy File to iTunes Music Folder When Adding to Library options are enabled. Enabling these options will organize your iTunes library in the way iTunes prefers.

_______________________________________________________________

Thanks again, MacWorld geniuses. I will go on a date with any of you if you ever make it out of Silicon Valley.

Liebe dich, biotches.

My great taste in Craigslist posts

2008-12-02T19:08:00.000-08:00

I couldn't help it- this is so incredible. There is something very sweet, and open about this, and it's indicative of Los Angeles.

Guys on the Corner Seek Exercise Instructor (Hancock Park/Larchmont/Koreatown)

Reply to: guysonthecorner@gmail.com ^[?]
Date: 2008-11-24, 11:42AM PST

We are a bunch of guys who live in the neighborhood and often hang out at the local corner liquor store. We are working guys who are out of shape (and probably drink too much beer and eat too much junk food). We had this idea that we might hire an aerobics instructor to come twice a week in the morning around 7:30 am before we go to our jobs and work us out for a short session on the sidewalk right in front of the store. If you know what you're doing and are preferably (but not necessarily!) a latina (since most of the guys are Mexican, Guatemalan, Cuban, etc.) you would be the most simpatica person to motivate us. There is also a building next door with a lot of artists and creative media types who would be likely to join in. Please let us know - we need to lose these beer bellies!

Location: Hancock Park/Larchmont/Koreatown
Compensation: We will all chip in to meet your reasonable fee for a half-hour session
This is a part-time job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 932474863

(Not) OK Computer

2008-11-19T15:37:00.000-08:00

Once, I watched this episode of Sex and the City where Carrie Bradshaw's Mac laptop will only produce a "sad face". Turns out, she lost everything. I always tinkered with the idea of buying an external drive, and backed some of my work up on DVD's, and would occasionally email myself files- just in case. And in my case, I probably should have bought an external about three weeks ago, at the latest.
I woke up one fine morning to find this on my screenI imagined a dialogue between myself and my computer, and it went something like this:

INT. DAY- LONI'S DESK
COMPUTER, a relatively young, black Mac laptop, and LONI, the Laptop's owner, sit at her desk. She pushes his ON button, and Computer only shows a grey file folder with a question mark. She looks shocked.

COMPUTER
Ummm, yeah. So just go ahead and give me the files that you saved, and we can get going.

LONI
That's really weird- I was just going to ask you to go and find the files that I gave you to save.

COMPUTER
Well, I don't have them.

LONI
What do you mean you don't have them?

COMPUTER
I can't find them. Do you think Jamba Juice is open yet?

LONI
Of course Jamba Juice is open. They have earlier hours now. But that is really not that important to me at this point, and I'd appreciate if you would cooperate.

COMPUTER
What do you want me to say? I can't find all the stuff you gave me to save! And I want a Tahiti Green Tea smoothie!

LONI
(yelling)
Get with the fucking program! A.) Are you high? B.) Why are you all of a sudden less dependable than the DMV? C.) Jamba Juice discontinued Tahiti Green Tea last year!

COMPUTER
(sighs)
I'm not going to talk to you when you are this upset. There is no need to yell. Weren't you going to buy a hard drive? That would have helped.

LONI
What would have helped is if you hadn't shitted out on me. I can't afford this!

COMPUTER
For everything else, there's MasterCard.

LONI
You're the devil.

COMPUTER
And you're retarded. Did you take your Concerta today?

(END SCENE)

OH, and it gets better...

I took my computer to a local business that retails Macs and does repair on Apple products, because there is no such thing as the Apple Store in Berlin. Turns out, my hard drive fried, and all was lost. I almost lost control of my bowels upon processing this information. I quickly grabbed my computer and made my way out of the shoppe. When I returned home, I turned my laptop on, only to discover...
The tech reinstalled Mac OSX in German. Now, I can get a cab, order cheese, inquire about prices, and cuss in German- but I surely cannot keep up with my current install of OSX. My computer speaks German, and I don't.
The moral of the story? Well, there are a few. But I would say the most preeminate is probably that technology is a magical, undependable, fleeting force that has made us dependant upon it, and therefore, weakened us. I am officially my computer's bitch. Actually, I'm my computer's weibchen.

Talkin bout my generation...

2008-10-31T15:56:00.000-07:00

As I was driving through the consuming streets of LA listening to Bob Dylan, it dawned on me my generation is void of legitimate icons. You know back in 1965 when The Who sang "My Generation," it was riddled with a sense of rebellious pride but the same words resonate with a hint of inadequacy and shame when I utter them. Why? Because my generation lacks authenticity. We have no iconic figures, no original trends, no sense of self. Our idols stand for mental breakdowns and the inevitable rehab tour. Can someone please fill me in on when it became cool to be a douchebag? In an era when culture seems forged, I have to ask, where are the Bob Dylans of our time? Ok, so maybe it's not fair to use one of the most iconic figures as an example but where is the voice of our stream of consciousness?

Sadly it seems that sincerity is being drowned out in this culture of pop culture with this massive movement of catchy-at-best music and recycled/borrowed fashion trends from times past. But I don't want to hate on it all, sure there is radiohead and the Followill boys, engrossed with a touch of the melodic genius but for every one of them, there's a dozen Maroon 5s and Good Charlottes that make me think to myself, "perhaps losing my sense of hearing wouldn't be so bad after all."

I mean really, even groupies back then fucked the rock stars because they loved the music and what it stood for. Now we sleep with them to screw the guy in the band and to sweeten the deal, try to get a picture with them to post on myspace or facebook for bragging rights. Now, don't get offended, I don't mean for this to be a diatribe. Trust me (with devilish grin on my face), I too see the novelty in that but because of the times, let's counter-balance novelty with some substance (said with serious, somber expression). There is an abundance of material for us to voice our opinions on from any handful of current wars, to "free Mumia," to let's demand better education and downright rebellious "I give a damn!" rants. For fuck's sake, somebody move me; speak to my soul with your idealistic pragmatism or groundbreaking fashion, before I die of boredom or my false sense of pride.

Memoir titles

2008-10-22T09:08:00.000-07:00

We all live in hope that we will not be forgotten after we're dead and gone. Unless you plan on writing a memoir, a killer sitcom for the CW, or make a sex tape, people will probably not know who you are in one-hundred years. And even making a sex tape is no guarantee your likeness will be preserved, given the recent trends in disc technology (BlueRay might make it impossible for your great grand children to enjoy the sex scene you filmed three years ago).

A couple of years ago, I started jotting down a list of possible memoir titles. I would suggest everyone start doing this. Because when you actually have a chance to sit down and write said memoirs, you will probably be so old and senile, and need all the inspiration you can get.
Here's the list I have thus far.

"Organic Free-Range Heroin ONLY... and other stories."

"Integrity Quest"

"Who moved my drink?: How to minimize your weaknesses, and exploit others."

"I write the stories that make the whole world feel insecure: My adventures in Hollywood"

"Mein hohe Fersen"

"Okay, fuckheads. My thumb is coming out of the leak!: How letting the shit hit the fan changed my life."

"The 43 laws of being an asshole."

"Manhattan doesn't need waterfalls (because I fall enough for us all)"

"Waking up with Psycho: A guide to back-peddling out of a terrible relationship without being killed by the sociopath you're dating"

"Home on the Strange"

"Where are have all the straight men gone?: My life as a model."

"36 inch inseam, a little bit of cuff."

"These drugs should be illegal"

"The Psychopharmacology Hobbyist."

"Girl, you made me choke on my baby champers"

"Shoeless in St. Tropez: Typical blunders of your terrible twenties"

"Psychiatry thrills! : Where the Scientologists completely missed"

"Keep the fish taco and give me some sound advice."

"Up the L.A. River without a cell phone: Surviving in Paradise."

"Synthetic sweeteners will make you retarded, and 54 other reasons I'll never cut carbs."

"My feet just turned into tomatoes and I'm being stalked by wizards."

"There actually is an elephant standing in this room. Hey, who put me in India?"

"Designer shoes and food stamps: A romance"

"New York- take 200 Klonopin, and don't call me until you've taken a two-month vacation."

"Smashed libidos, and a heaping ladle of crazy."

Damn You Stephen Hawking

2008-10-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

My creative friends are always making things. From bad techno music and robots that don't work, to condom sculptures and yarn balls. However, this is one of the better projects I've seen in a while from one of my cohorts. It comes from the workshop of my good friend (sexy neighbor), David Moscow, and his good pal Judd Trichter.

Congratulations, David. You have earned yourself the respect of your peers, and a guarantee that I will make-out with you at my birthday party next year (again?). And Judd, you can take me to Disneyland.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Mr. Right On!: How to be a hot guy

2008-10-13T03:45:00.000-07:00

Dobie Gray once said, "Give me the beat boys". Today, I am requesting that you please, not give me the beat, boys. Because I think you need the beat from an outside source, more specifically, a member of the opposite sex.

The other day I was mentally cataloging all of the men (and boys) I've dated [daunting task]. While amazed at the caliber of past boyfriends, I tried to think about all of the things, big and small, that could have made the experience much more enjoyable, and chic. So, guys- let's throw GQ and Details out the window, tuck 'our' egos away for a few minutes, and curl up with a nice cup of tea for a little tutorial.

Dear Guys,
Finesse: Wherever you go, there you are.

Regardless of where you work, how much cash you've got, and what you look like, you've got to own it. The first guy I ever fell in love with drove a 30-year-old rusted out Chevrolet, insisted on drawing his yearbook photo, and ran the all night pita stand on the corner... and everyone thought he was James Bond. Why? He had an unparalleled finesse game. He knew who he was and was completely cool with it. It's what you might call the Napoleon Dynamite theory. Point: insecurity is never a good look... and it's an even worse look when you try to rub money and a title on it. Chick repellent.

Save Vanity for when you're alone.

Low/No self-esteem and insecurity are unattractive, but then there is the polar opposite: wild egomaniacal behaviour. Obviously, what you do behind closed doors is your business. Hell, sometimes I use private moments to drink copious amounts of wine mixed with Diet Coke and play Barbies while listening to the Misfits at an offensive volume- but I would never do it in front of a guy that I wanted to have intercourse with and/or was trying to seduce. So when I'm around, don't act like you care a lot about what you're wearing, your hair, or anything else image related. Don't gaze at reflective surfaces- that's my job. And seriously guys, you were born with penises, and aside from their intended function, they also work as a 'get out of jail free card' in the physical appearance category. So do all of your outfit planning, experimenting with different hairstyles, and admiring your reflection in private.

Listen to OUR hearts: Don't be irrational about your hairstyle.

If you happened to have been born with great hair, do not cut it all off. If you can rock a little scraggle, some curly tendrils on your face, for the love of all that is holy- do not get a crew cut. I have dated men on the basis that their hair is hot. So protect your assets. (note: having great hair is a good thing, but as previously stated, don't appear to know that you have amazing locks.)

Let's get physical.

Physical prowess is mucho importante. No, jerk, I'm not talking about being yolked and vein-clad. If I fall on the street, you better be able to pick me up. Similarly, this ability is also good in other, more private situations [implied]. Second to necessary everyday muscle, you have to be coordinated. Don't tell me you're an amazing skier/snowboarder/skateboarder, when come to find out, I ultimately can shame you on proving ground.

Save the day.

This can also be simply described in three words: Be a man. When everything goes wrong in a woman's world, i.e. her car breaks down on the way to an important interview, she couldn't find her concealer that morning, and her Blackberry broke- step up to the plate. No matter how busy you are, take the reigns, and don't bitch about it. Remember, that despite all of our modern notions of love and relationships, you are still the male part of the equation, and you were built to perform tasks that would enable your woman to love and nurture. That's why you are less emotional and more self-centered than women... so you can buckle down, approach the problem and focus on solving it.

Make sure your jeans fall right on your shoes.

This is the secret to attracting the right kind of woman. If your jeans or pants are too short, have a strange hem, creased, too tapered, etc., you need to go shopping. If your shoes have a weird tongue, aren't a flattering shape for your foot size, etc., you need to go shopping. It would be wise of you to seek counsel in the ways of a not-so-straight guy friend of yours, and take him along on your shopping trip. If you think this is a joke, you are so wrong. I have been out with girlfriends, seen an incredibly hot guy from a distance, but when we finally get a peek of the knees-down... gasp. So stop salting your own game with those shoes you thought were really fly, but are a horrible novelty that remind you of seventh grade. And ditch the ill-fitting jeans.

Hygeine: Yes, it matters, and it's not an old fashioned notion.

"I pulled up wit a million trucks- Looking, smelling, feeling like a million bucks-ahh!"
-Ludacris

You don't have to wear cologne. You don't have to buy a $250 Mason-Pearson brush like mine. You don't have to get pedicures. Just shower. Wear deodorant (and Tom's natural deodorant doesn't count). Brush your teeth. If you smoke (pot or cigarettes), carry gum. Save eating raw onions for boy's night. Wash your face so you don't get blackheads.

I want you to want my friends... and vice versa.

Girls have girlfriends, and usually, their girlfriends happiness is very important to them. It's nice when your boyfriend loves your girlfriends, and they love him. There's nothing hotter than seeing your boyfriend compliment, converse, and charm your besties. I've been in situations where my boyfriend brightens the day of a down-trodden girlfriend of mine by wooing her. It goes without saying that moving past the point of charming a girl's friends and into the realm of sleazy is unacceptable.

Be a king. Not a fascist dictator.

Women like being told what to do, to a certain extent. But there is a very delicate balance here. Women need freedom to make their own choices, but appreciate when you, the man, step in occasionally. Stay on it, pay attention, and execute. Rule with a kind hand.

Wear a suit, and pretend that it's no big deal.

Yes, I know you have an amazing suit hanging in your closet. Yes, I know you look fantastic in it. But don't create fanfare around wearing it. There are a lot of men in this world that are dressed to the nines at all times, adorned in the finest haberdashery. So when you finally decide to take off your dirty jeans and torn up Sonic Youth t shirt, and put your big boy suit on, don't celebrate it. James Bond never flinched at wearing a tuxedo... even if he had to sport a wet suit over it.

Love your mom. But not too much.

A guy who loves and respects his mother is the goods. It's a symbol of emotional stability, and one's capacity to respect women in general. However, don't talk to your mom everyday, and do not ever discuss our relationship with her. There is nothing worse than a mama's boy that cries to his enabling matriarch. Ughhh [shiver]. If you can't get off the tit, if you can't cut the cord- then you shouldn't be dating.

Don't play guitar for me unless you KILL IT.

Balancing a passion for the arts and masculinity is very difficult. If you are a guy and you refer to yourself as an artist, musician, actor, or photographer, you better be the best. Otherwise, your girlfriend has to watch you struggle with issues that she struggles with as a woman- being judged on aesthetics, beauty, youth, grace, popularity, and talent. As a woman, these are some of the biggest challenges in life, and the hardest to cope with. Why would I want to be with someone with the same gross problems as me, serving as a reminder of all of the undesirable challenges I face and the crappy pandering I have to do? Even if you just loved playing guitar ever since you were twelve, I don't want to hear it unless you can keep up with Jimmy Page.

Please, don't cry.

Hopefully, you are a sensitive guy. Hopefully, you will be intuitive enough to read your girlfriend and respond to her appropriately. Crying is not the badge that proves you are sensitive. It's a gigantic, illuminated road sign that says 'I am weak right now'. No matter what girls say, they don't want to see this. If your girlfriend has told you it's okay that you cried in front of her, she's lying to you because she doesn't want to emasculate you any more that you already have yourself, or she's some crazy girl on a power trip and wants to keep you in place.

Charm me. And do it with gusto.

Be creative, be old fashioned, be bizarre. Insist that we use illegal substances and steal a boat. Plan a trip to somewhere far away, call my agent and tell them I won't be able to work for two weeks, and tell me to pack 3 hours before the flight. Pick flowers from someones landscaping and leave the dirt clods on them... then show up on my doorstep with a bottle of Alize. Kidnap me from the boring art exhibit, take me to the Santa Monica Holiday Inn and make me climb the retaining wall so we can skinny dip in the pool and get chased out by security. Take me on a first date to the Irish potato memorial, and then kiss me on the divider of the West Side Highway. I have been on the receiving end of all of these situations, and know that it's possible for guys to really put the effort in. So do it.

Be a hot nerd.

Do not get Lasik; wear nerdy glasses. Know about Dungeons and Dragons (because god knows you played enough of it when you were an acne-ridden pubescent dork). Talk about dinosaurs, and watch Planet Earth. Show me your trophy from the high school Debate competition you won. Don't button your shirt up straight. Wear hooded sweatshirts and bow ties.

Baby, you can drive my car [as long as you can drive better than I can].

This is probably one of the toughest things- especially when you have a sports car, and I can still drive it better than you. If you are a terrible driver, hire one.

Be excessively chivalrous, even if I say it's not necessary.

Stand on ceremony, boys. Pull the chair out, help her on/off with her coat, open doors, and don't expect recognition for it. You will be reap the benefits of gentlemanly gestures tenfold. But it's not instant gratification.

Do not try to flow along with Jay Z, the Game, Lil Wayne... unless you are one of the afore mentioned, or notable in their line of work.

"Your style is a disgrace, your rhymes are fifth place- and I'm just grace."
-Lil' Wayne, a.k.a. Dr. Carter, a.k.a. Weezy

Most women support their man's choice in career, be it a writer, stockbroker, contract killer, or motivational speaker. Good for you for choosing a trade! But unless you are an MC, do not ever try to flow along when I bust out Enter the 36 Chambers, or music of the like... unless, that is, you are in the business of hip-hoppery. Obviously, the Team Facelift boys always have carte blanche in these situations.

The easiest, but yet, the hardest: Don't be a selfish bastard.

Example A:

GIRL: My back really hurts from standing in those heels that didn't fit backstage at my show for 5 hours... and I guess the cramps aren't helping either.

GUY: Yeah. My back hurts, too. I think I'm going to go to the gym tonight. Maybe I'll get a massage.

No matter how hard your girlfriend/love interest tries, she is always thinking about you and considers how her choices will effect your relationship. Even if she's a crazy witch, she still thinks about it. It's not as simple for guys- you don't think about other people unless there's something in it for you. That's why you make amazing lawyers, professional athletes, scholars, and politicians! Do what you need to do- make stickies on your computer, reminders in your Blackberry, or write "What would my girlfriend do?" on your hand. Pay attention, and keep yourself in check. Girls remember the slightest details, even if they don't say anything when it happens.

Roll with the punches, and be adorable doing it.

When things go wrong, or you're annoyed, don't bitch about it to me- it degrades my confidence in you as a man. Make piss into lemonade, and brownies out of crap. But not really, though. I'll call the cops if you try to make me consume your waste. Act like you can deal with any problem, even if you are scared shitless. Competence is magic.

Metronomy

2008-10-11T04:16:00.000-07:00

Move over Justice and Danger. There's a new bunch of boys that will most likely dominate my iTunes playlist until Thanksgiving at the very soonest.

I am loving Metronomy. What's better than awkward British boys with synthesizers and bad-ass dance beats? Well, I just can't think of anything... okay, maybe living in a castle made of cookies and candy with a handsome prince that is also made of cookies and candy. But we all know my dreams of edible housing/soulmates are not feasible. But this band is.

Look at this video.

Also, if you're into it, check out this remix of their song Heartbreaker (by Jupiter).

Metronomy - Heartbreaker (Jupiter Remix)

The Professor Brothers

2008-10-07T03:43:00.000-07:00

A while back, I presented a run down of my favourite web shows. Included in that was Brad Neely's Baby Cakes. I am beginning to believe that Brad is some kind of magic. The Professor Brothers is his other show on Super Deluxe. And if you've ever had a friend that insisted that you identify with a song that you are not familiar with, or had a terrible blind date that made you look like a complete douche rocket, then you will love this.

A Hollywood power couple after my own heart: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt

2008-10-06T04:18:00.000-07:00

In previous months, I made a couple of mean spirited remarks about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. But now, I feel really bad about doing so after seeing this video today.

Heidi and Spencer are so much bigger than the Hills. They have way more to offer than a string of consecutively edited reaction shots and hair flips on MTV. They are sad when poor kids can't get enough Taco Bell so they may grow up strong and healthy like kids in Orange County. And Heidi is career focused- no kids for at least 10 years. Nice!
Globally minded twenty somethings with wonderful teeth and dazzling hearts? Absolutely! Selfish, vapid youth with little concern for the rest of the world? Absolutely not. The last true, great American patriots? Maybe.

Deutsch Vogue can beat up American Vogue: High Fashion you can get down with.

2008-10-04T05:11:00.000-07:00

While grabbing some lunch the other day, I spotted the October issue of German Vogue on the communal table where I was sitting. I was hesitant to pick it up and flip through, but the cover photo was so pretty and welcoming (click to check Magdalena out on the cover). What followed was a very pleasant experience, which was quite atypical in comparison to most of my other Vogue-perusing moments. I found an editorial, wherein I was nothing short of moved. In case you've been too busy with American Vogue, reading about what type of lip gloss Rachel Weisz prefers and how that makes her so incredible, or why Michelle Obama is, like, so totally amazing and way inspirational- well, head's up. Karl Lagerfeld just directed a heart-stopping, 27 page editorial in German Vogue titled Insel der Sehnsucht. The word sehnsucht is exclusive to the German language, but can aggregated into the meaning "ardent longing, yearning, and addiction which waits to manifest itself into a destructive, self-defeating force." Oh, and Insel means island. So it's the island of all of that stuff I just mentioned. I stole the magazine from the eatery, and have been turning and fawning over the entire contents of the magazine, but I most often return to the Lagerfeld masterpiece, which I have dog-eared. My enthusiasm may seem superfluous, but it's been a really long time since I've seen an editorial that was, or is,
a.) 27 pages long
b.) almost perfect, page after page.
c.) super detailed shots of the clothing that normally supplement promotion are sacraficed for aesthetic and mood. There are two page spreads where the models are set far right or left, and the other page is completely supplemental to establishing a beautiful setting.
d.) celebrating classic beauty.

I threw the scans into a an iPhoto Quicktime movie. Check!

A thought:
In the last year, I have really lost all interest in fashion magazines. The larger publications such as Vogue, Elle, etc., could fairly be assessed as mere platforms for large brands to parade intensively-retouched actresses and celebutantes/socialites draped in their wares. It's so obviously commercial, and frankly, not that interesting. If you open to a page in American Vogue, and it's not Mischa Barton, Fergie, nor the prodigious offspring of random societal note, most likely you're looking at a twelve-year-old Ukrainian child with no anatomical appendages that might distinguish them as male or female, their scared faces are covered in loads of makeup, clothing is hanging from their malnourished bodies. I would rather take a bad hit of acid with Michael Jackson at Disneyland on a rainy day, and be molested by Karl Rove on the spinning teacups than read American Vogue in the waiting room of my doctor's office- because at least when Karl Rove is breathing heavily, and Michael Jackson's face is starting to melt off, it's better to be there, in that moment while it's happening as opposed to just feeling the sensation of all of the afore mentioned as you flip pages and try not to get coughed on by the mucous-covered face of the kindergartner sitting next to you. Digress? Me?
Anyway...
If we want to call fashion an "art", then I think it's fair to say that it has little, or nothing, to do with publicists, blatant commercialism, self-promotion, or violently forcing an unsavory and defiant dictation of sexuality upon a female audience. Classic clothing is made to work with the body, and if not only to serve as necessary coverage, then to additionally flatter and enhance. Rebelling against naturalistic, feminine form is simply novelty. And when, as a culture of artists and appreciators, we come back around to a more organic, pure form that highlights commonly found physical assets, we call it by name- a Renaissance.

Tim and Eric's Awesome Show (enough said)

2008-09-29T03:39:00.000-07:00

This last summer, I began watching Tim and Eric's Awesome Show on Adult Swim- and now it's my favorite Adult Swim show. I mean, Frisky Dingo is completely genius, and I will always treasure Aqua Teen Hunger Force. But Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim are doing something amazing- they're seemingly pulling weird middle-aged [dorky, yet eccentric] men off of the streets of Los Angeles, and green-screening their oddities.

In the summer of 2007, I was riding the Metro Gold Line from downtown Los Angeles, and I sat next to this really strange, and talkative man. He told me he was "an actor", and doing work for "Tim and Eric". I just sort of nodded along. He then continued to tell me that he used to be a cartoonist for Disney, which prompted him to pull out a sketch pad... He drew a Disney-like caricature of me, complete with his phone number in the upper left hand corner. He also mentioned he wasn't married. And now, it all makes sense.

I find this show incredible, namely because it has employed a number of strange men who have probably been struggling to work in Los Angeles for years, and have failed because they are either trite, over-the-top, delusional about their abilities, or just plain crazy. As if watching old players go through the motions wasn't enough, John C. Reilly, David Cross, Bob Odinkirk, Bill Hader, Brian Posehn, and even Weird Al, have recurring characters on the show- it's basically an all-star comedy cast mixed with weird, unrecognizable dudes that don't even know they are hilarious. The end result is so entertaining. Check it out.

Tim And Erics Awesome Show Child Clowns - Funny blooper videos are here

Find out how celebrities are losing a ton of weight: The High-class Problem signature Diet

2008-09-08T09:10:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed in the margins of your Facebook page. Or perhaps it was on the right side of your Google search results, under "Sponsored Links".
No, I'm not talking about natural male enhancement, nor a guide to getting your ex back... even if you burned down his house, and took his dog hostage.

I'm talking about the "Miracle Diets" that are being peddled relentlessly via social networking sites, search engine results, and pop-ups. I have done a little research in my years, and after perusing said diets, which can only be described as fossilized horse manure, I now am confident that I have the solution to, well, let's not mince words- getting rid of your fat ass.

Follow this program, and I guarantee, within a 14 day period, you will no longer mistake your backside for a strange oompa loompa that is seemingly stalking you, and you might even have a neck again.

A SHOPPING LIST

You must gather all of these things prior to beginning the diet, because at certain points in the regimen, you may be slightly unconscious and/or experiencing hallucinations, (temporary) multiple personality disorder, and frequent urges to vomit. Most of these items can be found at your local health food store, pharmacy, and neighborhood drug dealer fronting as a family owned bodega.

Supplies:
60 Lemons
A bottle of apple cider vinegar
4 pairs of rubber gloves
An enema kit
60 oz. of extra-strong fair trade coffee
1 Box Laci Le Beau Extra Strength Super Dieters Tea
55 Gallons of distilled water
14 Cucumbers
30 rolls of toilet paper
Cocaine (if you're short on cash, substitute Ephedrine or pharmaceutical amphetamines)
Ice cubes
A priest

*PRECAUTION: This diet may be one of the most challenging life experiences you will ever have to endure, as it is the ultimate combination of every extreme diet ever invented with some added trade secret bonuses. I don't recommend you engage in the program if you have anything slated for the next two weeks, plus you'll need a week for recovery. That's why this specific regimen is suited for the gainfully unemployed whom have a sufficient source of income (i.e. parents, dead grandparents, middle-aged overweight lovers, etc.) Also, you may want to have health insurance... just in case you find out you're too much of a wuss to deal with kidney failure or severe dehydration on your own.

This is a two-part series. I want everyone to go out and buy all of this stuff, and I want you to start "thinking thin". Any major commitment takes mental preparation, so get your shit together. I'll be back with directives very soon.

Raising McCAIN, and the PALINdromical OBAMAnation of the Constitution.

2008-09-08T07:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone's got their panties in a bunch these days about Obama and McCain, and all of the crazy nonsensical pandemonium that the media is creating leading up to this election. McCain just dropped the bomb with his announcing that Sarah Palin will be on his ticket. All of the pro-choice/pro-life banter is in full force, and seemingly, the only concrete argument regarding policy that Obama supporters have got... Well, besides Iraq. McCain is ridiculous in his own right, I'm not siding- just playing devil's advocate.

All of this pro-democrat enthusiasm is about 8 years too late, friends. Let us not forget that we failed to put Gore in the White House in 2000, and split our votes by voting for Nader. This raucous display of Dem-patriotism is too little, too late unfortunately. Our economy is in the toilet, we're at war, and again, instead of focusing on what is really important (policy, track records), we're again selling ourselves short- but this time, we've traded apathy for unquestionably following a pied piper known as the media. We're like high-schoolers in the Midwest, brazenly sporting fashions that came in (and went out) of style four years prior on the coasts. We're still tight-rolling our acid wash jeans while the cool kids are rocking wide-legs, and sagging.
Not only is the hype getting old, and making Obama fans look ridiculous, it's a clear demarcation in our decline as an unsegregated, equal rights oriented country. And I'm not talking about the color of Obama's skin, but instead the fact that every female candidate that has been proposed in this election has been shot down from moment one- but not because of policy, or practice (although, in Palin's case, most consider her pro-life, ultra conservative agenda to be the last nail in the coffin that will encase her career in politics). The first news of Palin's nomination delivered a string of news stories that didn't pertain, in any way, to her career as a politician. The only notable information provided in such stories involved her time as a beauty queen, her life as a mother, and a Vogue spread. I thought we, as a country, had reached a peak of blatant misogyny when Hillary was ridiculed for her dress, hair, and behavior of her husband- and this continued even after she endorsed Obama, and bowed out.

Frankly, I could care less about this election at this point. We're screwed, as a nation, either way. If Obama wins, he is forced to reconcile a pointless, expensive war, and an economy that will take at least 20 years to fix... but in 2012, the Democratic party will get pinned with his inability to solve the afore mentioned, even though the problems are not feasibly solvable in the next four years. If McCain wins, we spend more time in a terrible war, corporate interests will be continually catered to, Roe vs. Wade will be challenged, and the polar ice caps will be obsolete.

Q:What's cooler than learning all of the words to Ludacris' "Politics", saving the strangely Hitler-esque HOPE poster as your Iphone screensaver, and taking a limo to an Obama rally?

A: Going Ex-Pat.

Peace out.

The greatest roommate candidate that has ever graced Craigslist

2008-09-01T16:49:00.000-07:00

Have an extra 1,000 feet in your Park Avenue penthouse? Want to make some quick cash and a really cool new buddy? You're in luck (Enter CARLOS)

THE POSTING

OR...

$1600 Looking for cool room in cool pad. (Park Avenue, ChineseTown, times square)

Reply to: hous-822813516@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2008-09-01, 7:44PM EDT

Hi my name is Carlos (my friends call me Car-love, cuz I love my whip and I love my Carvel ;) Whatevah.
Here’s my deal-
I’m 19, I just moved here from Georgia to pursue my dreams as a stylist/performance artist/avant garde hairstylist/hyphy producer. I need a place to stay, chillz, crash, whatev’s- somewhere cool, here’s what I’m looking for and some information about me:

I was born August, 11 1989 in Aspen Colorado. I didn’t really know my dad, but I heard about him from people that lived in the town. Rumor had it, my dad was a real bad ass, kind of like me. He got killed in a Chinese restaurant in Colorado Springs fighting some local Mexicans that were terrorists I think. My mom will always be a Thai Princess in my eyes, and for certain reasons, I need to keep her whereabouts secret. She has amazing julery. So if anyone who knows anyone who wants any amazing rare stones, just write me an email and make it as a side not. My mom and I moved around a lot, and we were living in the Ozarks for a long time, then we moved to Athens, Georgia. I just got out of the slam because I moved out of the area with my girlfriend who was a lot younger than me, but we were in love and her parents were assholes, so we thought we would move back to the Ozarks. I got arrested in Alabama for kicking in a cigarette vending machine during a rave at a lazer bowling alley, and my girls parents had put out the word with the police, so I got charged with kidnapping, stachatory rape, and vandalism, and stealing a bag of birdseed because my lady wanted to feed the birds. She likes to feed birds because she polio and she can’t move around that much and birds will come to her to eat seed out of her hands and she watches them doing that. Fast forward six months- I’m on a bus, and I get inspired- I’m moving to New York, and I’m going to get rich. Gotta chase that cheddah, son. Hola. RIP Aliaya.

I want a lot and seriously I am sure I can do it get…don’t hate. I know what this world is like, I am smart almost a genius, almost a thief simply a peot.

Anyhow, this is the deal. I am looking for an amazing spot. Somewhere I can set up all my recording equipment, hairstyle station, wardrobe station, and sleep cave. My idea was to find peoples with a giant loft space where I can set up tent, I actually room but if you have one all the better. I’M WILLING TO PAY 1,600$ FOR RENT.

I am smoker. So deal. But I don’t want to live smokers. I have athma and other things which are secrets and occasionally trip out on x or meth but not everyday so chill. However, if you are into this stuff or sell this stuff DO NOT REPLY…I DO NOT NEED ANY MORE EVIL THAN I CAN HANDLE. But I smoke by myself and almost always in the bathroom in the morning whilst I am donating to this great world god has givth. I also go to church everyday so if you place isn’t that huge but near a big church or catherdrall write me back also, cause that’s really good to. Also, if you don’t believe in god in the Christian way there is no way you will ever convince me to even stay on your couch. Sorry but this needs no explanation. I wouldn’t even stay 3 hours at your house. Anyhow.

I have a dog, and wanna get another. Her name is Aliaya she is a pitt bull , like dead Ailiaya who is not with us no more. RIP. love god. Anyhow, she is with my moms, but I want her to get mailed to me once I get to nyc. Also, I WOULD LIKE to let you know that PIT BULLS are NICE…SO chill!!!! Ok.

Sorry this is so long but I am on the bus right now and I just want to let you into my heart and mind and I know you will be excited to be with me when you meet me at your house. Also, do you live near a dunkin donuts or starbucks because like most new Yorkers I am addicted to COFFEE!!! Halo. OMg. This bus is crappy and a fat chick just farted and wanted me so bad but I am writing to you…hahahah.
Gold!

There are some areas I have heard about in New York that are pretty chill and dope. I hit mad clubs on the weekends, so I want to be in a place where I can conveniently walk home drunk, and I want it to be close so friends don’t have to take taxis over after hours. Also, it would be chill if there was a rooftop and pool as well so shorties could hang (I promise to share- I always got too much game to play it all ;) I heard that Park avenue is the shit, so anywhere in there would be good. I know downtown is where poor Chinese people live, but if it’s a dope (Christian) crib, I would consider it. And I’m willing to stay in a house full of models or dancers, but you better be in shape because I hate fat bitches, or chicks who are all anerexic and nasty skinny. I love livin with ladies- I grew up with my mom, so duh.

Obviously, I have a lot to offer, so I am looking to pay about 300$ in cash, and the rest I can make up in trade by doing sick ass art, hairstyling, styling, dj’ing bachelorette parties ;) and school dances mostly Christian stuff PLEASE!!!
Anyhow, just a moment. I am looking out the window right now on the bus that is taking me to you and I just saw a crazy car crash, everyone must have died and gone to either heaven or hell and it makes me think about all this stuff and this world. It would be cool to live with some peeps that can participate deep conversations about stuff like this cause THIS WORLD IS CRAZY but WWJD!!!!

Hit me back.

Peace and love
Carlos.

The best of the web series: If you're looking to pee your pants.

2008-08-15T09:11:00.000-07:00

With the writer's strike of 2007, and the over-saturated reality T.V. programming line-ups from the networks, one must seek out good entertainment elsewhere. I prefer amusement in the ways of illegal demolition derbies in Mexico, speak-easy opium dens, and artistic vandalism... and really anything that might happen in Mexico. However, these options are only available regionally. I've recently spent a good deal of time combing the web for funny stuff. There are a couple of sites that consistently deliver the goods: obviously, Funny or Die
and another good one is Super Deluxe.

If you're a lazy ass, here are a few of my picks. Go ahead. Just sit there, and let me do all of the work.

[("LAYERS")]

Personally, I love the Sklar brothers. This web series is really hilarious, and features some of the best new comedic talent around including Kristen Schaal playing a completely pissed off editor. The basis of the series: A typical asshole trying to procure a business as an agent whom represents other agents... and his publicists. Check it out:

Baby Cakes

Brad Neely created this fascinating illustrated series wherein the main character, Babycakes, is a 30-year-old waste of space that still lives with his dad, plays Dungeons and Dragons, and has a cat. Neely does all of the music as well, and it's pretty awkward, which as we all know, is the best kind of funny.

Shutterbugs

Before Human Giant on MTV, was Shutterbugs- a series about two agents in New York that represent underage talent. If you've ever had an agent of any kind, this will make you cringe a bit... it hits pretty close to home.

SHUTTERBUGS

What's Doin? with Gabe and Jenny

One of my girlfriends was complaining about the new, annoying propositional catch phrase 'what's doin'?', and since my virgin ears had yet to witness this new lingo in action, I Googled it like a normal human. It just so happens that SuperDeluxe had a series entitled What's doin?, so I checked it out... and was pleasantly surprised to find two very funny people, Gabe and Jenny, using the new figure of speech as the store front for their brand of humour. Yay!

If I were Miss New York...

2008-07-23T11:39:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking of a way that I could contribute to the welfare of New Yorkers since the city is such a happy, welcoming place. I feel very indebted to this fine metropolis. Volenteering would be wonderful- however, I can't get dirt under my fingernails, and I don't do anything without the promise of some kind of recognition or monetary reward. My options are pretty limited: I can either start a free-burlesque show (starring me) in the park, or... I can become Miss New York.
I think we can all agree that a tiara, cash prizes, and feigning tears on stage is a much better fit for me.
Supposedly, these pageants require a watered-down platform of some kind, and a talent. For the talent section, I'll be tumbling in a star-spangled leotard to the sexy sounds of Nelly Furtado. And as for a platform, I came up with a few things that I think are important for New York:

My mission statement: "I believe that New Yorkers deserve better weather and free prescription drugs. I will work to get a bubble built around the city so the crappy weather no longer negatively affects the lives of innocent citizens. And through my sponsorship from the Eli Lilly corporation, and Glaxo Smith Kline, all of the ice cream trucks in town will no longer provide frozen novelties, which will be replaced by free packets of Paxil and Xanax. Oh, yeah. And the Rockefeller laws are no longer in effect."

-If I could make one wish, that was guaranteed to be granted, it would be to have cyborg eyes with lasers that I could kill people with.

-If I win, I plan on taking my scholarship money, enrolling at an expensive, private learning institution, and dropping out at the last minute so I can get a refund from the school. Then, with those funds, I would charter a plane to Venezuela and take all of my friends on a drug-spree, which would most likely end in all of us getting kidnapped and held for ransom. But worry not- an escrow account will be created prior to our departure with the remaining fees. The situation described above is much more valuable a lesson that any piece of paper from a college.

-When I am awarded a tiara, I promise not to remove it from my head... for the rest of my life.

-The popularity of the Miss New York pageant will grow exponentially during my reign. Just imagine how the tabloids will be exploding with photos of me smoking crack in my tiara with Amy Winehouse, making out with Mario Lopez at Marquis, and streaking down Park Avenue with other PETA members (wearing nothing but the tiara.)

-If, by some bizarre chance, there is another contestant that might actually threaten my chances of winning, I will put Visine in her Diet Coke, itchy powder on her g-string, and cut her hair in her sleep.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself: What's hot (and what's not) for Summer 2008

2008-07-17T06:50:00.000-07:00

Much like tax day and Fall fashion week, mid-summer always comes way to soon. In efforts to displace some of my sadness, and the fearful anticipation of not being able to wear shorts with a one-inch inseam, I've compiled a little list of things that I love about Summer '08...

and a few things that need to go.

-WHAT'S HOT-
-WHAT'S NOT-

Speaking Spanish
Speaking French

The Blackberry 8330
The new Iphone

WASP
Islamic Fundamentalism

BBM
Texting

Neon Pink.
Purple.

Hanging out at St. A's.
Hanging out at an opening in Chelsea.

Posing for snapshots.
Poseurs.

Making out on the subway.
Traffic on the LIE.

Not wearing underwear.
Sweating in your underwear.

Cotton Candy
Nose Candy

Being rowdy but using your manners.
Being a pretentious dick.

Water balloons.
Bombing the embassy.

Westville
Bubby's

Psychadelic drugs
Psychotherapy

Booty shorts with boots
Stretch pants from American Apparel

Feathers and tassles
Leather and brass

First round free at Beatrice
Getting ruffied at Beatrice

Messy locks
A controlled coiff.

Parasols
Expensive sunglasses

Meyer's clean day products
L'Occitane

Sunscreen
A tan that even Versace would frown upon.

St. Paul de Vance
St. Barth's

Forever 21
Being 21

Dating
Hating

Crack (it's back!)
Cocaine (It's whack)

Jeff Buckley
Buckling down

MGMT
Clubs and restaurants under new managment (that still suck.)

Getting serious about hangover remedies.
Having a serious hangover.

A flask of Grey Goose
An overpriced well Vodka drink.

Living bohemian.
Living excessively while sporting flowy skirts and a headband on your forehead.

Blondie
Not being blonde.

Dive bars
No diving board at Flying point beach.

Being engaged to be engaged.
Being married.

Egalitarianism.
Hating on Hillary Clinton in the ways of criticizing her dress, hair, sexual orientation, and other superficial characteristics.

Robbing the cradle
The untimely death of Robert F. Kennedy.

Playful and Sexy attitudes
Playing coy.

A dozen donuts from the Donut Plant.
12 step programs.

The Festival de Cannes
The Tribeca film festival.

Cheerleading!
Competing.

Roisin Murphy, Kid Sister, and Estelle.
Norah Jones, Feist, and Britney.

Fed Ex'ing your bags.
Checking luggage at the airport.

Going to Episcopal church.
Tory Burch.

Falling in love.
Models falling out of tall buildings.

High Metabolisms
Diets

Please, feel free to add more to the list.

Spectacular Vernacular!: The difference between coastal tongues.

2008-06-24T15:25:00.000-07:00

As Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers once sang whilst roller skating in the park, "I say tomato, you say tomatoe", so it goes in accordance to the different speech patterns and diction between the East and West coasts. I've recently found people giving me blank stares, and I can't figure out whether they are just baffled by my whitish hair, or if they think I sound like Jeff Spiccoli.

I Drank too much last night:
In Californian: "I, too, got totally shithoused last night. Let's go get B 12 Shots at Cedars and a green tea."

In New Yorkan: "I think I got food poisoning last night. I knew we shouldn't have ate there."

It's Monday, and I don't want to work:
In New Yorkan: "I can't wait to get back to the Hamptons."

In Californian: "Get your shit, we're surfing in Malibu. Long Weekend Hookie!"

That dress/jacket looks horrible on you:
In New Yorkan: "Wow- interesting choice of colors. At least you won't get hit by a truck, or other large motorized vehicle."

In Californian: "(Chuckle) Hey... How's it goin'?"

I'll take a... :
In Californian: "Do you have a bio-dynamic Rose? No? Okay, a SoJu with Pomegranate juice. And a bottle of water. Thanks, and sorry for being a dick!"

In New York:
"Scotch. Neat. And the bill."

92% Humidity, 87 degrees, F:
In New Yorkan: "It's a little sticky out. Thank god for the breeze."

In Californian: "Rain?!? What the fuck? I'm not going to work. I wonder if Big Bear is too slushy for a few runs. Hmmmmm"

Gimme Gimme Octopus (You're my cupcake and my loincloth)

2008-05-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

I have a pension for creepy children's television programming. I thought H.R. Puffinstuff was weird until I found Gimme Gimme Octopus, a Japanese children's show. The translation is amazing. The Octopus' opening song lyric is "you're my cupcake and my loincloth".

One of my other favorite lines is, "look, I'm a plane. I also like bacon."

Good Craigslist Ad: Homeless, but "HOTT"

2008-05-22T09:51:00.000-07:00

I often cruise Craigslist for epic posts. This one is pretty classy:

_______________________________________________________________

I NEED MONEY! I WILL DO THINGS FOR IT! JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO! - $40

Reply to: sale-688963776@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-05-20, 8:58PM PDT

I need to make at least $40.
-currently homeless.
-but im hott.
-& i dont want to have sex with you.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 688963776
__________________________________________________________

Only $40?!? Jesus, this is the deal of the century. What is so amazing to me is that this person is homeless, yet they have internet access. We here in the United States have our priorities straight. I wonder if this person has a Bluetooth headset and and Ipod.

Steampunking is so hot right now.

2008-05-20T12:39:00.000-07:00

I am a devotee of DIY anything, and I love when crafty people alter common products to make them more unique (with the exception of tricking-cars. That's just lame).
The hottest example of this, right now at least, is Steampunking, which is basically taking a product such as an Ipod, ComThputer, car, headphones, etc., and giving them a brass, Victorian flair. Think The Golden Compass meets Terry Gilliam's Brazil. There is a guy named Jake Von Slatt who seems to be the master of this new art. Check out his Steam Punk work here.

If you would like to try a simple Steampunk project on your own, it's really easy to convert vintage headphones into Ipod-friendly listening gear. Here are the original directions from steampunkworkshop.com.

There is an easier version over at Cutoutandkeep.com, where you basically just dissect a pair of vintage headphones and glue your regular Ipod phones in. Here's the easy version.

Supposedly, you can find old headphones on Ebay for pretty cheap. I love recycling.

Spring Break(up)!: How weird is the vernal equinox?

2008-05-19T10:19:00.000-07:00

Today, I’m hiding from the weather in New York. Again. The wind is blowing, it’s cloudy, and it intermittently sprinkles rain. However, Saturday was beautiful and sunny. My point here is that dealing with spring in New York is like trying to reckon with a bi-polar, schizophrenic Muslim extremist. In contrast, Los Angeles sails through spring with little rain and a few clouds. I’m not saying this in an effort to sing praise of any kind to Los Angeles, although I do love you LA. I actually wouldn’t say anything at all if it weren’t for my witnessing totally bizarre human behaviour in New York during the vernal equinox (March 21-June 20). As everyone knows, New York winters can be utterly brutal, and when the season begins to change in spring, a resounding sigh of relief is heard, and all of the psychiatrists in town thank their merciful god figure (which is most commonly Effexor). But then a new problem presents itself when everyone’s body stops producing mass amounts of melatonin, and the effects of reverse Seasonal Attitude disorder take hold. Have you noticed that everyone freaks out in the spring in this city? I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s as if the whole city was in a mental institution for the winter, and all of a sudden, the locks came off the ward doors and everyone is running amuck. The most apparent display of this Spring fever: everyone is breaking up with his or her significant other. It’s absolutely rampant. The other day I began asking friends if they had noticed anything weird about the turn of the seasons, and I got almost the exact same response from everyone, conveniently, supporting my theory. There’s also a lot of self-doubting going on, anxiety mixed with excitement for the coming summer, and copious amounts of drinking going on. I’d love to hear thoughts on this.

The Blackberry Bold 9000: Research in Motion keeps rocking my world.

2008-05-14T21:48:00.000-07:00

I'll see you an Iphone and raise you a Blackberry Bold 9000. RIM just announced that it is expected to be released around Christmas.
[Begin lisp-y, high-pitched, dork voice. And imagine me as an over-weight, acne infested dorky teenager]
I am still a little bummed that the track wheel has been replaced by the track ball, but I feel like this next Blackberry is going to make up for it. The processor is much snappier than the Iphone's, and it comes with 1 GB of flash memory... which can be switched out for up to 16 GB. And it's going to work with your ITunes. Omfg. I want to have sex with this smart little phone.

The Prom Bomb: I can totally relate to Marche Taylor

2008-05-14T13:04:00.000-07:00

What's worse than your upstairs neighbor blasting Hootie and The Blowfish at decibel 8 billion while you're intensely hungover from the Entertainment Tonight upfronts post-party? Well, friends, I will tell you: getting arrested at your prom. But the Hootie is a close second.

Marche Taylor thought her custom made dress was bangin'. I totally agree. In fact, I think she was a little modest in designing this couture number for her prom. Check it out.

I love this girl. She's so scandal. The best part of the whole story is that she only has one photo from prom, and it just happens to be her walking out of the Marriot in handcuffs. Can you say AWESOME? I remember one time during my high school career when I crafted a skirt out of tin foil and was told it wasn't long enough to qualify as "acceptable" as outlined by the school dress code. No mention of the fact it was MADE OUT OF F-ING TIN FOIL, but just that it wasn't long enough. This was after I was kicked off the cheerleading squad for wearing pants under my skirt in school, and before I got suspended for two weeks for taking my shirt off at a football game while swigging out of a Mountain Dew liter that was filled with Bailey's Irish Cream and something else horrible. I may have issues with clothing, but I sure do have spirit! School dress codes need to be a little more specific, in my opinion.

Bill O'Reilly is a first-class douche, and some say he tortures small animals.

2008-05-13T08:57:00.000-07:00

Before the O'Reilly Factor, good ol' Bill O'Reilly was putting in his time down at Inside Edition. Apparently, regurgitating watered-down news tidbits and commenting on the American Idol contestant scandal du jour was really getting to Bill. Check out the rage factor in this video:

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

God, I love staunch conservatives. They really just have a way of buttoning themselves up so tight while professing to be superior to everyone else... which, after a certain amount of time, in my humble opinion, will render you a gay, cross-dressing sexual deviant or a rage-a-holic that ends up torturing small animals for pleasure. Ten bucks says O'Reilly has a secret torture chamber in his house where he routinely crucifies cute woodland creatures in a tiny iron maiden. Some people say that in Bill's hearth room, there's an oil painting of Dick Cheney above the fireplace, and in front of it, a Barack Obama cuckoo clock on the mantle. If you turn Barack's hands to 9:11, the bookcase opens up, and that's the secret passage way into the chamber of death.
I'm totally not kidding.

"How's tricks?", asked the hipster.

2008-05-09T10:23:00.000-07:00

So, in case no one has noticed, there's a new "what's up?": it's "how's tricks?"

I was vaguely familiar with the expression in March when I got an email from a friend I hadn't talked to in a while asking me how my tricks were. Here's the official Urban Dictionary entry for the phrase:

how's tricks?

47 up, 136 down

question one usually asks hookers who "turn tricks." It means how are things? Or how is business? Usually this is said to loose women but the derogatory connotation is usually missed by most.

While approaching a hooker on the corner..

"How's tricks?"

"none of your damn business, get lots i'm working here"

It's one of those cultural jargon phenomenons that has befallen Los Angeles and New York. I'm having a hard time putting it into practice because of two reasons:

1. It's way too hip.

2. I am usually hesitant to refer to my friends and colleagues as prostitutes because sometimes it's a sensitive subject. I mean, you never know- your friends could be prostituting themselves, either literally whoring, or figuratively by selling their soul for some kind of superficial accolades.

Go give it a whirl.

Tropic Thunder: Why you can't wait for August.

2008-05-09T09:56:00.000-07:00

Tropic Thunder, set to release in August, is absolutely genius. I saw it for the second time on Wednesday, and caught so much more the second time around.
I don't want to get too review-y here, so I'll just say it's a very well-written comedy that entertains on many levels... especially if you've ever worked in the film or television industry. It's a showbiz satire, but it's also much more adventurous than most in it's category. Check out the trailer at TropicThunder.com

I hope Robert Downey Jr. wins an award for his performance in this. He really out-did himself. Jack Black and Ben Stiller were hysterical as well, and I was totally surprised when Tom Cruise made me laugh harder than anyone. It's been a while since I've seen a film that I want to keep watching over and over again...

Let me explain.

2008-04-29T16:40:00.000-07:00

After weeks of not posting squat, I am now ready to get back into the proverbial blog-groove. I really don't even know how to open this can of worms back up, so I guess I'll start with an itemized list of things I've learned in the past month.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED BETWEEN THE MONTHS OF MARCH AND MAY:

1. Don't ever get too comfortable. It makes you boring, and susceptible to being totally deceived and disappointed.

2. Boys come and go, but girlfriends are forever… unless your relationship with them stands in the way of their romantic endeavors. Loyalty is totally subjective.

3. Excess ain’t rebellion. Neither is apathy, nor boredom. Purpose and duty are paramount.

4. Mariah Carey is actually really talented. Totally fucking nuts, but really talented.

5. There is way too much dog shit on the streets of New York. People are being forced to make art out of it.
Check out the new, hot and steaming book SPRINKLE BRIGADE

6. We live in a small world. Unfortunately, it doesn’t resemble the Disneyland ride in the least. It’s more like a meat grinder underneath a riot, and everyone is always yelling.

7. I am a better musician than most, and I’ve never really given myself credit for that. I just thought I was some orchestra geek that would always be second chair to some Asian virtuoso kid. Or maybe I’m just trying to convince myself that 20 years of training actually won me some cool points.

8. The only person you can really trust is yourself. Next comes your attorney, then your Doctor, but those people are paid to tell you what you want to hear, so not really.

9. A man is defined by his career. A woman is defined by her willingness to subjugate herself. And if she’s not willing, then she’s a shrew. Ay, there’s the rub…

10. Treating someone like shit makes that person like you more.

11. Beauty is not where, or what, you think it is. It takes public transportation, and wears it’s heart on it’s sleeve.

12. No one ever finds true love. But you will find someone you can stand to live with for a long time without hating them, and hopefully they will have good breath and nice hair that won’t fall out. If the hair does fall out, or they get fat, it’s totally justified if you want to abandon them.

13. Fat people are not real. They are apparitions of dead anorexic people that finally got to eat, but hate their new image. Since they exist on an alternate, but parallel plain, they get annoyed that people don’t acknowledge them.

14. The decline of Western Civilization has been validated and marked by Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt attending the White House Correspondent’s Dinner. They are sharing a brain, which just happens to be a Chia Pet that didn’t ever sprout. They probably thought that it was a Brent Bolthouse party at club LAX, that turned into a party at Coachella. Instead, they were flown out of LAX and dropped off at the hill. God, what I would give to have been present for that conversation.

15. Your parents probably thought that having you would be really cool because you’d be a tiny version of them, and you wouldn’t do the same stupid shit that they did to screw up your life. But now, sometimes, it’s painful for them to look at you because you’re not such a spitting image, and you fuck up left and right. (This is my Pro-Choice PSA)

So there you have it.

Ehow.com on Haircuts and Blow Jobs.

2008-04-29T15:38:00.001-07:00

“I was doing things with boys that I shouldn’t have been doing at such a young age...I was doing blow-jobs … I don’t want to go into it. It was not good.” - Lily Allen (a.k.a. The queen of awesome, great at having bangs and engaging in forbidden fellatio)

I'm really fascinated with the transfer of information and instruction via the Information Super-Highway, or the internet as some of you young bucks now refer to it.
[End Grandmother-Speak]
I was browsing through Ehow.com today, and stumbled upon a field of misinforming e-gems. For instance, How to Trim your Bangs. After watching this, I tried to envision how my overtly gay hairdresser might react. For brevity's sake, I'll just say he would be violent. Here's the haircut video.

I have had bangs for my whole life, and I don't know anyone that would do this to themselves... unless they had down-syndrome or lived in a cave in Topanga Canyon (I feel totally comfortable with the prior statements because I know people who could be catagorized as such).

I kept poking around in Ehow.com, and came to something very interesting: an instruction list on how to give blow jobs. It then occurred to me that this site is basically as reliable as Wikipedia, if not less, because it's content is obviously controlled by the willing-to-post hoi polloi. Check it out- The Ehow.com guide to blowing your partner.

I think she really starts out on the wrong foot when she begins the list with a warning about neck pain and the importance of postural comfort. I was under the impression that this sort of activity was not exactly about comfort, and that's what's kind of awesome about it. To me, it's like saying, "look what I'll do for you even though it's not going to be super comfortable for me!" After all, relationships are all about sacrifice, right?
She also tries to suggest that the lady part of the equation drink warm beverages while doing the deed. Really? That could get kind of messy. I mean, what do you drink? Some fucking chamomile tea? How cozy and sweet... just like mommmy used to make when you couldn't sleep at night.

Final Thoughts:
I consider myself pretty knowledgeable in both of these categories, but there seems to be an integral problem here- the bangs-trimming instructional was way too over-simplified, and the blow job instructional was way over-expounded and complicated. Coiffuring is a fine, modern art, but fellatio, on the other hand, is just another instinctual human sex act... you either have it, or you don't. And if you don't, it lessens your chances of reproducing, which is just natural selection.

Charlie Parker was a neighbor.

2008-04-29T13:16:00.000-07:00

I was playing my Ipod somewhere the other night, the hell if I remember where, but I let it wander off into Shufflesville. My friend called my attention to the song that was playing, asking who it was. It was the Charlie Parker with Strings album. Possibly one of my favorite albums ever, yet know one is really that savvy to it. If you buy any album, jazz or music in general, it should be this one.

It's $6.99! That's like saying, "Hey, wanna buy 77,650 orgasms with a smile and a wink?" or "Free Heroin!"
Charlie Parker with Strings

Also, I would like to note that I am staying at Charlie Parker Place in the city. I attribute a great deal of my recent ambition to make music to the good vibes of Avenue B.

In summary...

Charlie Parker: Doing wonders for my musicianship, my music collection, and just generally so cool. So cool.

Prostitutes and Rhinoplasty: Sex and the bottom line.

2008-03-27T13:51:00.000-07:00

This photo makes me wish I grew up in New Jersey and became a prostitute. FYI, this is Spitzer's little darling, who apparently was earning enough slut money to afford a new nose. There are so many things wrong with this situation. I'd like to focus on the fiscal element of this scandal. Seriously? $80,000 on whores? Not only is that an exorbitant amount of money spent for sex, but sex with this chick? If Spitzer would have hired Giselle Bundchen or Adriana Lima for one night at a rate of 80 K, I think his actions would have been justifiable. I guess it's the slow trickle that really upsets me. It's like my parents always told me, "don't squander away your money. Invest larger sums." Jesus Christ, Spitzer. Didn't you ever have any bros at Merrill Lynch? Even your average grinder at H & R Block could have told you, "Save up for Giselle, Heidi, or Adriana. Let me put it this way- 2 years of coked-out sex with an 'aspirer' that will probably give you an STD, or one amazing night with a world-class supermodel."
Duh.

I'm going to go to the gym now. I hope my membership payment went through. I spent all of my money on drugs.

Having a child on St. Patrick's Day proves problematic for offspring.

2008-03-21T17:36:00.000-07:00

Monday was my birthday. I had the luck of being born on St. Patricks day, and this particular holiday has consistently commanded that myself, and cohorts, go out of our way to celebrate. If you, or anyone you know, has a birthday that falls on a holiday, you/they know that it's almost too festive. I haven't been able to function for an entire week, and I'm pretty sure that all of my blood is gone and has been replaced by Jack Daniel's and Mexican beer- which brings me to the series of events that transpired this St. Patrick's Day.

Saturday night, there was a birthday party at my house. Not just any birthday party, but a pre-St. Patrick's day/Birthday party. There was a keg of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a DJ, I'll spare you the details. The next day, my roommate and I decided to go to Tiajuana with three of our other roommates friends who were crazy enough to entertain our every whim. What ensued between Los Angeles and Tiajuana can, and should, not be published... just in case I decide to run for office someday.

When I got home from Tiajuana, I began to reflect on the past 10 years of birthdays. Every year is just another shit-show on March 17th. I feel, in a way, that I am a catalyst for my friends to take everything a step further on St. Patrick's day. This is something I am very proud of. I wonder what I'll be doing on my 80th birthday...

Don't want no short people.

2008-03-14T23:49:00.000-07:00

The vertically challenged contingent of society has a new enemy to replace Randy Newman, the ass-bag that wrote, and actually recorded, the song "Don't want no short people". The last time I heard a more terrible noise than the afore mentioned tune, I was in the high Sierras up North, and heard the local Satanic cult sacrificing a goat while other members ran their fingernails down a chalk board. You know, the kind of chalkboard that is free standing and can be wheeled around. They had one of those... But that is neither here nor there.
Anyway, I stumbled across this on Craigslist today:

DESPERATELY SEEKING LITTLE PERSON

Reply to: gigs-574185680@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-02-14, 1:24PM PST

Looking for a little person (I'm not allowed to say midget, correct?) to help serve food at a party next Saturday, Feb. 23rd from 5pm - 10pm. There's nothing sketchy about it, you just have to be willing to wear a sombrero filled with chips and dip. We'll give you $100 and all the beer you can drink. We're completely serious...and we're confident you'll have a good time!

Location: LONG BEACH
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $100 (beer and food also included)

PostingID: 574185680

_________________________________________________________________

What the fuck? I am almost tempted to call and say I'm a midget. A male midget. And then show up and put their stupid sombrero on with chips in it. Then, I'd walk around and no one would be able to get chips from my hat because I'M 5'11". Then, when they asked me for a chip, or tried to get one from atop my head, I would spit in their faces and yell obscenities in Russian. I swear, some people just have no conscience. I would teach these frat boys that Craigslist is a dark, evil, deceptive conduit. And the tone of this post is the best- it's like, "Oh, yeah, nothing sketchy... we just want to completely mock your physical appearance for an hour or so, and further insult you by only giving you $100."

Lauren Conrad does a line... of clothing. Surprise!

2008-03-13T21:03:00.000-07:00

Lauren Conrad is now the most talented woman in history. In recent years, she has managed to graduate high school, keep her hair well-highlighted, become an actress*, and now she is a very successful* clothing designer. Los Angeles, nay, the rest of the world, has never seen such haute couture as this. She really turned some Parisian heads with this dazzling line of stretch pants and jersey knits. Obviously, Los Angeles fashion week was a major win. Today Culver City, tomorrow the world!

*"actress": participant in a completely inane reality show.
*"successful": MTV coughed up a few thousand in hopes to boost popularity of The Hills. No return is expected.

I have time for your problems.

2008-03-13T19:45:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a question that no one can answer? Like, "Where is the end of the universe", or "Why is Whole Foods not using organic ingredients in their pre-prepared foods, despite calling themselves and organic grocer?", or perhaps, "Why doesn't anyone in this town have a good free-range, organic heroin connection?". I, too, am baffled by the same complexities, and all too often, life seems like a cornucopia of paradigmatic questions and post-modern issues. Where is one to turn for answers?

A: Probably not here.

Consider this an E-cubby hole chock-a-block full of ill-advice, seemingly meaningless pondering, impetuous minutia, and sometimes, if you're lucky, a good stoner food recipe. And please ask questions- there are no dumb questions... just really stupid, time-wasting ones, which are even better than dumb questions. Oh- and really stupid answers. War.